Beware the Sent Box

I learned a very valuable lesson tonight: my email's sent box is an unexpected minefield of broken hearts and unanswered prayers. Without thinking, I wandered into the sent box of my personal mail and found a couple hundred emails I had completely forgotten I'd once written. Some more difficult to read over than others. Let's just say, I'm recovering from the ache in my chest as we speak.

As prepared as we can be for life's unexpected heart breaks, there are no preparations. Things come at you and you're not able to stop them. I feel as though this is a lesson I am continually learning over and over. After each let down or painful experience, I expect to pop out on the other side a completely different person; a girl who understands the world better than before, who can handle whatever life has to throw next. In reality, that feeling only lasts until the next gut-wrenching newsbreak hits and I'm back to square 1, wondering where all my "lessons learned" and wise knowledge-based-on-experience went.

Maybe the better option should be to just forgive and forget, if only I could get to that point. Is there a way to forgive and forget things that change your life's path in almost every way? People come in and out of our lives all the time. My dear friend, Nicole and I had a conversation about this very topic last night. We decided we are entirely changed girls from the ones we were 3 years ago. With that being said, we could not decide if that was a good or bad thing. Why are we so afraid of change? Most of the emails I discovered were ones going to people who used to be huge parts of my life. Sadly, all of those people are no longer speaking to me for various reasons, be it break up, break down, or change. There's that word again - change...

Realizations Unwanted

Has anyone ever told you something about your past that you yourself had no idea happened? They open this Pandora's box and suddenly the flood gates of your mind are rushing with thoughts, worries, panics, and worst of all, regret. You tell yourself its all going to go away. It happened a long time ago and there's no reason to be upset, but that doesn't plug the flood. In fact, the thoughts are coming more quickly now, rapidly ripping all rational argument from your mind. Could this one thing entirely change your existence? Does it change your experiences? Tear back the flesh of old wounds? Maybe. Maybe it doesn't though. Maybe it just stews in your mind reminding you of why these things have been set aside for so long; why you've been meticulously building a wall to hold in these particular floods for 3 years of your life. You've pushed, pulled, beaten yourself into a bloody mess of your former self many times over only to lay the discarded hatred and misunderstanding in front of a rushing onslaught of fear and denial. If you don't acknowledge it, it's not real right? Right...

Real Simple, Poets & Writers, Sundays

Two new magazine romances: Real Simple for all my "adult" fashion and decor needs, and Poets and Writers for all my intrigue of MFA programs, fiction pieces, up and comers, etc. Both great. Both slightly expensive but totally worth it. Maybe I should look into subscriptions... I digress.

Today is my day off. I am eating it up. Monday - Thursday and Thursday - Saturday night I am either at school all day or at work all day, with little break to watch TV, read, eat... Sunday is the sanctuary for which I wait all week. Sitting on my futon couch looking out the front window to see the beautiful sun and leaves blowing in the fall breeze... perfection in Wisconsin. I love that the leaves are finally changing. It makes the world seem a bit magical.

Also having a day off leaves me free to catch up with old friends, good books, etc. Erica is going to be coming over for lunch soon and we're making some delicious taco salad. I am both thrilled for taco salad and thrilled for Erica. I haven't seen her in a very long time and we can chit chat about all her wedding plans. Less than a year away!

The down fall of Sundays: the next day is Monday, aka the day from college hell. I have class from 1245 until 9 pm with a 1 hour break. It's quite crazy but I can't say I hate it... yet. I'm sure I will towards the end of the semester. Tomorrow is especially going to be rough considering I have a group meeting at 1030 in the morning, then class all day with a 2nd group meeting after 5. At least night class is canceled to leave room for group work or I'd lose my mind. Oh wait... I probably already have...

A sea of worries

I'm awash with worry the last two days. It began with a night of tossing and turning and ended with my spending last night at Jamie's to avoid curling up in a ball on my bed in fear. There have been many scary arrests being made VERY near my house and its gotten a bit out of hand. All this makes me think, "Why should I be scared? What is meant to be is going to happen no matter where I live, what I do to defend myself, etc. I should just man up." Then the other part of my body screams, "Are you kidding!? Get out while you still can!!" For now, I'm going to tough it out. There's not much else I can do with a limited college kid income.

In other happier news, I was named the new Chief Copy Editor for the Sheepshead Review Journal of the Arts. It's bittersweet to me though. I just spent 6 semesters editing a newspaper and now I'm going to be doing some more editing. Don't get me wrong, I will love it. Part of me just wishes I could get away from all the editing and do something else for a while. It'll look great on my resume though so can't complain too much :) The Sheepshead Journal is a beautiful, fun publication and I'm so proud to be a part of it.

This morning I am sitting on Jamie's couch watching "Gilmore Girls" and oddly enough, contemplating baby names. No, I am not pregnant nor do I want to be. I was just discussing baby names with my pregnant co-worker last week and it got me thinking about it. I would seriously consider naming one of my daughters after a Gilmore character. I like Lane and Lorelei. Those are my picks. My other baby name hopefuls for girls are as follows:
1. Penelope Joyce *Joyce is a family name
2. Harper Lorelei
3. Claire Pearl *Pearl is a family name
4. Thisbe Lane (Pronounced Thiz-bee - a Shakespeare character)

For boys... (Note: not as many as girls because I am bad at boy names)
1. Milo Jay
2. Caleb Daniel *Daniel a family name
3. Leo (middle name unknown)

So now that I got all that out of my mind and down in writing, time to move on from maternal instincts.

Grad schools.... *sigh* Time to start thinking long term. God, help me.

Caramel Apple Cookies = Awesome

The first full week of school is almost done and I can proudly say I only missed one class for a very practical reason. *Pats self on back* I'm doing good! I actually do not hate any of the classes I am in (yet!), and my professors all seem pretty cool. Two professors I've had before, three new ones, all nice so far; I'm not overly concerned. My last semester of school should go pretty smoothly. *Sigh of relief*

On the school note, I have applied to be an editor on the Sheepshead Review: Journal of the Arts on campus. They are the publication who chose my poem last year as their Rising Phoenix winner. I worked on the journal once before as a copy-editing assistant. I liked it then but I was so wrapped up in the newspaper on campus and other things that I let Sheepshead fall off my map. Now that I've freed up some time though, I am really hoping to be an editor for them. I love all the things they stand for and do for the campus. They publish nonfiction, fiction, poetry, and visual arts pieces from students on campus. It's pretty fantastic and I feel pretty lucky that UWGB actually has this kind of thing available for their students to be involved in. I sound like an infomercial for campus... And moving on.

Tomorrow is my first day back at work after a nice week off. Ick! I am not looking forward to it but I do need the money so... whatever. Subsequently it is my first weekend of Sundays OFF! No work and no school and no commitments of any kind. YAY!!!! It's going to be so lovely, I can't even describe it.

I think that's all I've got for now. Night night!

The Real Door County Update

Now that I am home and hoping that my laptop doesn't pull the manuever that Jamie's did, I can update on our Door County trip. It was a lot of fun! The first day we got there, we spent the night walking around Ephraim and Fish Creek. We bought fudge and looked at tons of jewlery, clothes, mouthblown glass (including Berni, a glass fish Jamie loved), scoped out some coffee shops and what not. I ended up buying some really cool stuff - a hand-made hat, an awesome necklace with an octupus on it, and some huge sunglasses.

After shopping, we went back to the hotel and chilled for the rest of the evening. We had some dinner (i.e. turkey sandwiches and chips) then fell asleep. It was so relaxing just being away from home that I felt sleepy most of the time. The next day sadly we woke up to rain, cloudiness and fog, which didn't lift until late in the day. Regardless, we went out for breakfast where I had a fabulous omlette that was way over-priced, then took a nap at the hotel. In the afternoon, we drove all the way up the peninsula to see the lake. It would've been even more amazing if it hadn't been raining but was still pretty cool.

Saturday evening we went to this very lovely restaurant called Top Deck that overlooks Lake Michigan. The rain and fog had started to lift at this point so we could see further out on the water. Dinner was good then we went back to swim in the heated, lit pool - the only pool time we got but it was toasty warm in there so it worked out just fine. Another night of good sleep, and the next day we were on our way back to Green Bay for the Packer game. Now, if you know me, you know I don't like the Packers, however, I attempted to make the effort. I'm not sure if Jamie was happy about this or annoyed. I tend to ask some really dumb questions when it comes to football due to lack of understanding... I TRIED, OK!?

So that's that. Good night blog-world.

Live from Door County!

I am very annoyed that I just typed out a bunch of stuff about Door County (since we are finally here!) and then the laptop randomly decided to delete it....

Thanks stupid laptop. Guess I'll wait til later to update out of shear agitation.

Good night.

Second 1st Day

So today was my "second 1st day" of classes for the semester. I say this because I've already had two days of 1 class, and today was my first day for 2 classes. The way they start the semester is always so crazy. I will have met with my Nut Sci (haha nut sci) class three times before I even have 1 of my night class sessions. Bah. Whatever college crazies! Get it together! But I digress. Overall it was a good day. I had a Public Relations class which I'm assuming is going to be all about our group project at the end of the semester (or so it seemed) then went to Language and Society where I learned some semi-interesting things about the way people talk in elevators...

After those classes I attended the meeting of the Sheepshead Review class. Although I am not actually IN that class, I decided to be in the org for it. Sheepshead Review is this great campus arts journal that I was given a poetry award by this past spring. I've worked on it one semester before and kept meaning to get involved again. Since I am no longer working for the campus newspaper, now is the perfect time. I will have the time commitment to them and hopefully can wrangle an editor position to plump up my resume. Not to mention, I love all the people who put together the SHR journal. With all my comm classes this fall, I was sure I'd be missing my English major friends. But now! I'll see them in SHR. Yay!!!

Tomorrow I have one class for an hour and 20 min. then I have a dreaded 8-hour shift of work (bleh!). After that though, I get to pack for Door County!!! I cannot wait. It'll be so nice to be off the WHOLE weekend and get to relax with Jamie. Fall is by far my favorite time of year and I am very excited to get up by the water and just relax, read, wander. It'll be wonderful!

Coffee Addictions & GG

Recently my mornings result in waking up, half alive, crawling/walking into the kitchen and immediately filling the coffeemaker. It's getting a bit ridiculous. This addiction to coffee is almost startling. When I was young, I would've sworn that I'd never drink the stuff - ever! Then with the discovery of novelty coffee shops like Gloria Jeans and Starbucks, I became a fan of flavored coffee. Then last year, I realized that they actually make flavored coffee that you can buy at the store and make in your home! What a lovely thought. Vanilla coffee and skinny caramel machiatto creamer in my living room? Heart be still! *sip*

My other addiction right now: Gilmore Girls. It's always been an addiction for me but with the cooler, fall weather, it's a staple. Something about the leaves falling and pulling out the old coats and scarves reminds me of those wacky Gilmore Girls and their witty banter. In fact, as I type this I am enjoying season 3. Rory & Jess - what a cute couple! If only he hadn't been a rebellious jerk! Woa woa woa. Simmer down now...

Have a good Labor Day, bloggers!

Computer!

I got my laptop back so now I can finally update my blog and get back into "cyber" world... I don't know if that's a good thing.

My first class of my last semester at UWGB was today. Wow... 5 years have gone by since I graduated high school and sometimes I feel like it is my first day on campus. I see all these freshmen running around like chickens with their heads cut off. They're holding up maps of campus and wearing backpacks that are filled to the brim with new textbooks. Their coffee mugs, t-shirts, day planners, and sweatpants all have school embellishments visible. I'm sure when I was a freshmen, there was some 5th year senior watching me wander aimlessly around the Union and giggling at my expense too. Tradition is a funny thing.

On a happy note, next week is my 1-year anniversary since the first kiss between Jamie and I. Another wow moment... I am shocked that its been a whole year since we first started smooching. We've had a few ups and downs but overall, we're as happy as ever, which is all I can ask for. There's that old girlie saying about being in love with your best friend and how wonderful it is... I think for us, it was the opposite. I fell in love and then he became my best friend - the one who holds me up, makes me laugh, rubs my back at night, cuddles me early in the morning, snores into the night, teases me... It's all good and soon it'll be all good in Door Co. :) We are staying at the Bay Breeze in Ephraim for two nights. Check it out:

It's not the most amazingly gorgeous Door Co. resort, however, it is directly acrossed from the beach, it was only slightly over our budget, AND they have a whirlpool in the room. Not to mention their outdoor, heated pool and hot tub. Uh, yeah. Needless to say, I'm definitely looking forward to next weekend.

Good night, blog world.

Goals.

Simple Goals to Achieve Pre-Death:
1. Live.
2. Be happy.
3. Write something that affects more than just parents/close friends.
4. Love fully.

.... more to come.

The Light...

After the upset and tears that was yesterday, a good friend and coworker wrote this on my facebook and helped turn me all around:

"Don't forget your friend Robert Frost, Two roads diverged in the woods, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. You're young, there is plenty of time to find that clear path! Enjoy this time of wandering about, you'll miss it someday."

She reminded me that I am young. I have plenty of time to look around and take things in. There shouldn't have to be a rush on my career, my relationship, my life until I am ready for those things to take root. She reminded me of one of my most favorite works by one of my most favorite authors - someone I will always love and admire - Mr. Robert Frost. Two roads diverge in a woods - which will I take? The one less travelled by might not be as easy or readily rewarding, but then again, I haven't backed down from a challenge yet.

When I was rejected from the arts journal on campus last year, I resubmitted, came back and won their poetry award. When I thought all hope was lost at my job, I gritted my teeth and told my boss how I really felt, and things are getting better.

So don't worry, Mr. Frost. I got this, the road less travelled by, and it will make all the difference.

Defining Moments.

It's days like today where I have to stop, breathe and remind myself that I am not perfect. I have such a lack of confidence most of the time that the majority of my goals are aimed at trying to better myself physically, emotionally, academically, intellectually... I only allow myself to think that I might not have it all together, I don't know what I am doing, the future is a giant void in front of me, when I am alone. I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing, and I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel.

In life, there are those things that disappoint us, things that drive us crazy, things that break our hearts - these are defining moments. They can either rip you to pieces, or reinforce that feeling that there's another path, something not quite so easily seen from the comfort of our living rooms or bedrooms or whatever rooms we happen to reside in.

Today defines something about me. My life is going to have to be what I make it. I have goals and wishes and dreams that I'll never reach if each defining moment grabs me too hard or tears me too deep.

Defining moment: I didn't get the job at the Press Gazette.....

Now what?

Summer is almost over.

It has been a while since I wrote in here. What has been going on?
Well, I applied for a job with the Green Bay Press Gazette newspaper to be a part time feature writer and copy-editor. So far, no word on that. Being the crazy girl that I am though, I have done nothing but worry myself sick over it, check my email obsessively for a rejection and drink wine in an attempt to think about something else. Oh well, I like wine so it's a win win. :)

This week is Shark Week on Discovery - the first time I've ever watched it. Quite interesting. I like watching all the stuff about how to survive shark attacks. I don't know why I never watched this before! In the event that I am suddenly thrown into a situation where I am on a boat in the middle of the ocean and a shark capsizes the tiny dingy I'm sure I'd be on, I will be ready and it's all because of Shark Week. Go for the eyes!

With summer approaching it's end, I am sad to say I feel as though I didn't get to do as many things as I wanted. Money was tight all summer so that was a huge problem for all those fantastic summer vacations I had been hoping would happen. Damn money and it's damn control on society. Why aren't all vacation spots free? I would gladly pay nothing to go to Door Co. for a week or two. Anyone else game?

Reminder....

A very good friend of mine reminded me last night that life is precious. I hope that I never take my friends for granted, that my family is top priority - always, that living is a gift we're given and we should do something fun, loving, exciting, hilarious, ecstatic every single day to ensure that each day is lived to the fullest. Once you leave this world, we don't know if you can ever come back so I don't want to forget that there are beautiful things here I don't want to forget: lovers, friendships, family, the scent of lilac, poetry, laughter, sunshine, rainstorms, peanut butter, happiness ....

Please don't let me forget.

Random Fear.

A poem that I wrote is being published by a large arts journal called The Peninsula Pulse, based out of Door County. When I found out, I was incredibly ecstatic, as you can imagine. This arts journal has a circulation rate of 20,000 copies per month, and my little poem is going to be published in it for people to read. How could I not be thrilled? At least, that was my inital reaction. The more I think about it, the more I begin to be scared/worried. What if people don't like it? Better yet, what if people hate it? Or worse, insecurity comes into play here - what if this is the only good poem I'll ever write? I'm so afraid that I can't live up to the "amazing poem" that I wrote in a moment of complete and utter despair several months ago. Will I have to let myself fall back down into a pit of anguish and depression to write another award-winning poem? Is everything I write after this going to dull in comparison to this one thing that I was able to pull from the guts of my bitter hate for my past?

God, I hope not. I really hope not.

In other news, I am so horribly pissed off at Cellcom. My phone is basically junk. It turns off all the time, and as of this morning, it decided to be super quiet. I can barely hear the people speaking on the other end of the line. So I've been trying desperately to buy a new phone. Unfortunately I get my cell through my dad's business so I have to go through his agent to buy a new one. Her name is Sally - or Silly Sally as my dad refers to her. So after a while of back and forth with my dad about which phone would work best, I called Silly Sally about two weeks ago to get her direct opinion. She's a cell phone agent, she would know, right? Wrong. She tells me that my best bet would be a Blackberry (no, thanks) or the HTC Hero (a comparison to the iTouch). I told my dad, "HTC Hero, stat!" So he goes back to his business peeps and asks them to buy me the HTC Hero through Silly Sally asap. Silly Sally tells the business peeps, "That is a really suck phone. I won't sell her it." WHAT? Didn't you just tell me that it was one of my better options less than two weeks ago, Silly Sally? I can see why you're so Silly. Your job is a total sham of selling people stupid lies and false hopes. UGH!

That's the phone rant of today. Hopefully airing it out on the blog here will help me let it go and have a good day today. It's beautiful out and I have lots of errands to run, not to mention dinner with two of my oldest friends, Laurie and Josh, then a hair cut! OH goodness.... maybe a haircut in my fragile state isn't such a good idea... Oh well!

Splinterheads

This morning, after being woken up by a loud car horn beeping repeatedly and people screaming at me, (thanks downstairs people for the lovely wake up call), I had some coffee and randomly picked a movie to watch on Netflix called, "Splinterheads." It's a totally adorable movie about a guy who is a dork townie who falls in love with a carnie girl in a travelling carnival. It's pretty cute.The only downside is that the carnie girl is really into Geo-caching which is something that reminds me of an ex bf. He tried to get me into it - long story short. Things ended not-so-great, and the whole thing needs to evaporate immediately so I can enjoy this movie through-and-through.

I am seriously looking for a new place to live. I can't stand the people downstairs anymore. The ant problem here is getting out of control. I love the apartment and the location is nice but the cons are starting to outweigh the pros here. Jamie and I have been checking Craig's List for me but anything in the good neighborhoods is too expensive while I am in school. I'm going to pick up a Sunday paper this weekend and check out the classifieds.

Besides that, mom recruited me to help with my aunt, Linda's wedding decorations. Yesterday I stamped about 100 little paper bag thingies, and made 7 or 8 little signs for the Candy Project my mom is doing as a gift to Linda. They are putting different types of candy is odd-shaped glass dishes that people can scoop into little bags and take away from the wedding as a gift. It's kind of cute. The stamping thing just took foreverrrrrr, but I am done as of right now. Let's hope Linda doesn't change her mind and decide she doesn't want candy anymore. Ahhhh!

Work Out Videos and Day Dreams

Seriously, why do the people in work out videos always look so damn happy? The person directing the video should tell them to look natural. NO one is that happy when they're sweating their butts off and the instructor is shouting, "YOU GOT THIS!" They are thinking the same thing going through my head, "Just shut up, lady! I know I've got this!" With all the sarcasm running through my mind during the video though, I do love the Fat-Burning Pilates work out tape on Netflix. I sweat. I breath heavy. My legs hurt the next day. All signs point to a great work out being done, which is a good thing! Tomorrow back to work which means back to the gym. Bleh.

I spent my last two days off work hanging out at Jamie's house. We literally did nothing both days and it was kind of nice, even if I did feel like a slacker. As I said, back to the grind tomorrow for 4 days. Ugh. I should really try to marry rich so I can just do pilates and write all day long. That'd be the life. I'd hire a personal pilates trainer to come to my house every morning and whoop my arse into shape. I'd hire a cook who makes perfect grilled chicken and glazed green beans for dinner, and also hand makes frozen yogurt. Mmmm. I'd move into a house that doesn't have an ant infestation, and buy a big screen television set. I'd exhile my possibly-fat-and-lazy rich husband to the pool house while my girlfriends and I gossiped about life over wine in the main house.... Ah, yes. I could go on forever...

Guilt!

I've been feeling bad about how I've been eating lately even though I'm TRYING so hard to be good.

Today:
1 Cup Chicken Wild Rice soup
Half a turkey sandwich with Mayo
100 Calorie pack
4 squares of sausage pizza (leftovers)
1 glass of Raspberry Lemonade

It's the pizza! It calls to me/makes me feel horrible about myself. After work I did go on a 25 min rollerblade excursion. Not my longest rollerblading fun but my mom was on her way over and I didn't want to be gone very long. She was here when I got back freaking out that I wasn't home! EEEEK! And I JUST got done doing 45 min of fat-burning Crunch Pilates. Oh my god. I haven't been this sweaty in a long time. I think I made up (kind of) for the pizza (mmm pizza).

This blog is rapidly becoming about my boring diet....

More later.

Let's get physical! Physical!

Workout Recap:
Tuesday - 30 min walk with Laurie
Wednesday - 30 min beginner's pilates
Thursday - 30 min rollerblading around the neighborhood

Planned Workouts:
Thurs - Elliptical after work
Friday - Elliptical after work
Saturday - Elliptical after work
Sunday - YOU GET THE POINT!

Food for Today:
Lunch = 1 grilled turkey and cheese on white bread
1 glass of Simply Lemonade Raspberry flavor

Dinner = 1 Lean Pocket
1 cup red grapes
1 90-calorie granola bar
1 100-calorie pack of pretzels
1 Light Key Lime Pie yogurt

I'm back on the ball, people! And I am loving it. I can't remember the last time I went rollerblading; I forgot how much I truly love it. I didn't want to stop today! It was so fun, and it's so lovely outside. I wish I wasn't going back to work today. Bleh. What a waste of summer. At least I have three days off every week or I'd go NUTS!

Have a fabulous day!

FIVE

1. Grilled corn-on-the-cob, burgers, and hot dogs on a nice summer day = heaven! Jamie and I did a spur-of-the-moment cookout today which was amazingly delicious. Now I just have to force myself to do Pilates tonight so I don't feel so guilty about the extra butter on my corn. Eeeeek!

2. I'm currently trying to tackle 4 books simultaneously - all recommended by close friends. First is "Lucky" by Alice Sebold, which is an amazingly graphic memoir about her college experience of being raped and everything that followed. It is very intense, and the book I am furthest in. Then there's Kurt Vonnegaut's "Slaughterhouse Five" which I, as an English major, feel obligated to read because of all this hooey that Vonnegaut is a literary God figure (We shall see.) I am only about 5 pages into that one. Next is "Go Ask Alice," written by Anonymous. I've been told by several people to read this one in the past and am now just getting around to it. It's written in a diary format as the book is actually based on real-life events. So far I'm about 25 pages in, and although the main character has a strong voice, I am having a hard time getting into the diary format. I need scenes, story, plot, characters, dialogue. It's what has been engraved into my literary heart for a long time. Lastly is another memoir recommended by my drag queen friend, Matt/Myranda. It's called "I am not myself these days." It's apparently about a 7 year span of the author's life when he was living in New York working the drag queen scene at night and advertising in day light. I've been told it's hilarious! I just haven't started it yet seeing as how Matt/Myranda gave it to me yesterday.

3. With all this reading, I feel I almost forgot to mention my new found love of Mario Kart on Wii. I am seriously addicted. When I am at Jamie's, it's only a matter of time before I say, "Can we play Mario Kart now?!" while saliva drips down my face.... Ok maybe not literally, but metaphorically there is saliva.

4. I still have my notebook that I bought at B&N a few weeks ago. I've written in it a few times but continuously forget to stick it in my purse when I run from the house in a panic (I am late for everything recently!) I hope I can still get myself into the habit of writing constantly.

5. Since I could potentially piss off many people by saying this next thing, I'll make the point quick and short. I don't understand the interest in the show, "Glee." I've seen a few episodes and each one is even more stomach churning than the last. It's like "7th Heaven" with music. Too Mickey Mouse club on crack for my taste. Sorry, Glee Fans!

That is all. Back to work tomorrow. *Sigh* A week off spoiled me....

Post-Wedding Notes

The wedding has passed us by. The day that Hannah, Jay, myself, Mo and all our friends have been waiting for is done. It seems surreal. From the engagement day to this past Friday evening it's been a long wait of anticipation. And I must say, well worth the wait. We had such a blast all week! Those Irish boys are absolutely insane. I have to refrain from going into too much detail here seeing as how some of this could lead to incriminating evidence against the lads at some point down the road. Just know, we had fun!

On other notes, I am incredibly tired from the entire week. Incredibly broke due to all the wedding expenses: hair, nails, dress, shoes, make up, dinners, cocktails. It's been a very financially draining week. Eeeek. Looks like there are lots of inventive meals in my future. Can anyone figure out a recipe I can use eggs, macaroni, and ravioli in? Sounds delicious.

I allowed myself some indulgences during the past week. I had been doing very well on the whole Diet front. I just have to get back into the ol' routine. I think I let myself pretend I was on vacation along with the Irish and thus uprooted myself from salads, grilled chicken, and low-fat yogurt for several days. Thank goodness, I have two more yogurts left in the fridge. Small blessings.

I am off to watch "Now and Then," a movie I haven't seen all the way through in a very long time. I may have to get rid of my beloved Netflix to save some cash this summer so I better take it all in while I still can.

Goooood night.

*cough*cough*cough*

Staying home today .... again. Thank god for Netflix and Sudafed.

Illness.

Last week I missed my cousin, Travis and his wife, Stacey and their child, Kailey so I decided to accept the invitation they extended to have a lovely cookout of burgers at their house. I went over knowing that K wasn't feeling very good - she had some sort of cold bug - but I was convinced I would be able to avoid her enough to not get ill. Boy, was I wrong. On Sunday my voice was scratchy and today, I am in full on sniffle-can't-breath-headache mode. I love K but right now I cannot recall why. Is that so horrible?

On a happier note, THE IRISH ARE COMING TOMORROW! I cannot wait to see them. I've been blogging and babbling about this for weeks and now, finally, after months of waiting - they are going to be in Green Bay, my hometown, where I grew up. It will be so fun to show them around, I'll even bring them to Lambeau and not groan in pain.

The heat wave is still going strong. Today Jamie and I went to the driving range and the breeze helped but it was still very hot. I missed the back of my neck with the sunscreen lotion and now have a hideous red semi-circle in the shape of my tank top neck line. Awesome. And tonight I am sleeping in the living room in attempts to stay cooler - I'm a tad closer to the air conditioner in here. It's kind of like having a slumber party on my futon. (At least that's what I tell myself to make it feel more fun.)

Sweetest dreams, dear pets.

Heat Wave.

I'm not kidding - it has been a Heat Wave of epic proporations in the greater Fox River area the last two days. Ranging anywhere from 84 - 90 degrees and humid as hell. It doesn't help that my car lacks a working A/C and my window unit, no matter how high I have it blasting, does not cool my room down at all. It's in the kitchen which leaves a good 20 feet or more plus it has to navigate a curve. So basically just the kitchen and part of the living room are bareable. I might be sleeping on the futon tonight... We'll see.

I'm recently obsessed with playing Mario Kart on Jamie's Wii. It's so fun! Some of the more difficult levels are real lip-biters but it's a fun way to spend the afternoon, especially when going outside is a sure fire way to melt immediately. My favorite player: Toad. He's so cute and small!

Today I bought my John Hughes' Inspired Notebook. It is really cute with some pretty flower design on the front and a tiny bee. It has an elastic band to keep it closed and is just the right size to carry around in my monster of a purse. I'm excited to start jotting down random thoughts during the day; now if only I could remember to stick the darn thing in my bag when I leave the house. I also bought a book that my favorite author, Sarah Dessen, spoke about on her blog. It's called "Mrs. Darcy and the Blue-Eyed Stranger": A collection of short stories by a writer named Lee Smith. I started reading some of it and she has an interesting writing style. Mostly description and telling - not so much dialogue so far. I'm only a few pages in though so we'll see how I like it. Hopefully I will since I'm sick of re-reading all my same old books laying around here. They are wonderful books but I can only read the same story so many times. I digress. The first story in Mrs. Darcy is about a woman going through a divorce. Semi-interesting. Again, we shall see. (The magic words of today.)

Tomorrow I hope to go to the driving range again. It proved to be fun last week and a good workout on my arms so I hope its not too terribly humid to go. So sick of sweating!

Good night, world.

Inspiration & Hughes

I read an article in Vanity Fair about John Hughes - the esteemed director and writer of many of the 80's movies I've been obsessed with since puberty (i.e. The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, etc.) It was all about his life and how he got to where he was with his career. He died recently at a young age of a heart attack. It was completely unexpected and his family was quite shocked as was the world of John Hughes' lovers. In this article, the journalist spoke to Hughes' sons who informed him that amongst their father's possessions were 300 notebooks filled with every memoir, observation, short story, joke, conversation, and idea he had in recent years. As I was reading about this, I though to myself, 'Wow, here is a guy who influenced my life in so many ways through his movies and he was actually an avid creative writer.' I felt so inspired. The man carried around a notebook wherever he went. To the drugstore, on an airplane, to the movies - everywhere. He was always writing down thoughts like his life depended on it.

One day I want my life to depend on my writing. One day I want my children to go through my things after I'm gone and find scribbled poetry, random story ideas, beautiful memories, interesting ideas - everything that fills my mind every day.

Let it begin...

Sunburnt shoulders and cheeseburgers

Thoughts of today:

1. I cheated on my diet today thus making me feel bad. I won't get into too much detail but there was a cheeseburger involved. I went for a walk with Stac and K though so that helped. I am still hoping to get some sit-ups in yet tonight and will do more tomorrow.

2. I'm getting more and more excited for "Sex and the City 2" - it comes out next week! I'm watching the couple seasons I have on DVD to pump myself up for it. Thank god for Netflix also! I'm hopefully getting season 4 this weekend! Yay!

3. Hannah and Jay fly in next Wednesday - less than week! I can't wait to see them and the guys. I've missed them all since January. Ireland is far too far away for my taste. Not only can I not walk there, but I cannot afford to fly either.

4. Jamie and I went to the driving range this morning. Not only did we wake up and get there before 10 am, but I did pretty good! He was impressed. I've been once before. Last summer I went with a friend and I was OK then too. After my 2nd hit, Jamie exclaimed, "Are you sure you aren't hustling me?" I guess that is good, right? We're definitely going to go again. I like that he and I actually DO things - things we enjoy together.

5. My legs feel sticky from Victoria's Secret self-tanner.

That's all I got for today. Oh, and I had a blast playing Mario Kart on Jamie's Wii today. Who knew boys had so much fun doing boy things?!

Sex, the city, & salad

So, what's been going on? Not a whole lot. I am a bit in shock and awe of the fact that I caught some VH1 show about celebs who dropped a bunch of weight. At one point (after 8 kids), Marie Osmond weighed 165 - and this is a crime? I weigh 155 on some days ... and I have no kids. This made me feel so down on myself that I came home and ate a salad and grapes for lunch then contemplated puking - JK! Well, about the puking part. The salad however did actually happen.

Now I'm watching "Sex and the City" dvds and getting all psyched for the 2nd movie which comes out soon! I cannot wait! I am also looking forward to "Letters to Juliet," because I'm a big dork. I haven't been to a good chick flick in far too long. I'm so glad Becky and Laurie and Hannah are all home within the same time frame - GIRL TIME!!! On that note, it seems like the summer is shaping up to be very busy. I have Han's wedding, Jamie's friend's wedding, my aunt is getting married, and Amanda is getting married in August. Then I also am working on my exercise routine, and I just started actual work on my Me Scrapebook. I have lots of great paper and stickers but I need lots more yet. I also need to make copies of the baby pictures, colorguard, high school, dance pictures, so that I don't ruin the originals chopping them up and gluing them all over the place. Ahhhh! I'll be so happy when it's done and I do enjoy doing it, but sometimes I wonder why I start these projects. To drive myself crazy - surely!

I wish I could get as inspired with my writing as I have been with my silly scrapebook project. I got an AB in my writing workshop - which is awesome and makes me happy. I think I actually am inspired by so many things around me, but I just get so overwhelmed by the idea of sitting and writing a whole novel or novella or whatever, that I don't even try. Maybe it's about time I conquered my fear. My favorite author, Sarah Dessen, wrote on her website that in order to stay completely enveloped in your writing, you need to try to write a little each day. I should really work that routine into my life along with my fun workout routines - ha! Fun workout = oxymoron.

Until another brainfart....

Little Miss Obsessive

Song of the moment: Paramore "I caught myself"

So Friday was my last final for the semester. Just one more. Please god just one more semester. I've been feeling this weird mixture of happiness and bummed-out-ness when it comes to graduation. All of my nearest and dearest just graduated yesterday and I still have one more semester. Even though I'm thrilled to pieces for them, and SO HAPPY for their success and completion of this thing called College - I can't help but feel envious and slightly sad. I wanted to share the experience with them.... Oh well. No use crying over unearned credits.

With summer starting, I have lots of work to look forward to. Also, Hannah and Jay's wedding is just around the corner which basically kicks off the summer. I cannot wait! Tomorrow I am driving to A-town to get some shoes to go with my b-maid dress. After their wedding, I have 3 more to attend this year! When did everyone decide to grow up? When did that happen and can we go back now please? Thanks.

Another new installment: I am Officially beginning my workout for the summer tomorrow. I drew up a little weekly calendar and everything. The goal: -15 lbs by the time the fall semester begins. It's going to be kind of tough to do in 3 months but I am incredibly determined ... I just hope I stay determined all summer! I tend to see the results of a pound or two lost, then go "Oh, great it's working!" and allow myself indulgences that I shouldn't! Bad girl, bad! I cannot do that. At least I have Jamie in my corner to help out. He is interested in toning up too so we can help drive each other to the goal.

Other than that stuff, I am incredibly tired from early working today. I am basically going to crash very soon and then get up, do 30 sit ups and arm exercises, drink coffee, and get ready for Appleton. Wish me luck in the shoe hunt, blogger world.

Why?

I don't want to feel this way anymore. How can I make it stop?

Contemplations of the past vs future Me

Sometimes I really hate my ex-boyfriends. Regardless of how we ended the relationship: easy, difficult, horrible, gut-wrenching, unemotional - something about that relationship has utterly screwed me up in some way. I can feel it. I think I first remember thinking how messed up I am emotionally when I decided I might love Jamie. I was on an airplane flying over the ocean, about to land and the plane began to jerk up and down, like God himself had grabbed at the craft between his thumb and forefinger, only to sneeze right as his grip tightened. We were flung from side to side, up and down, forwards and backwards, until the girl seated one seat forward and to one to the left started tossing her dinner into a tiny air sickness bag. I cried. I held my friend's hand and I cried. I cried for all the things I never got to say. (I was very dramatic in this moment. I don't like flying.) I thought about Jamie. I pictured his face in my mind repeatedly. I couldn't believe that I'd never see him smile again. I'd never run my fingers through his hair again. I'd never have his fingers brush my sides unexpectedly throwing me into a fit of giggles. What would I do if this was the end? As we began to descend, the plane shot back into the storm clouds with an anouncement of "Sorry folks, due to unexpected (insert scary words here), we will be unable to land and will re-route to Dublin." Hey, although the groans from the other passengers filled the air, a rush of fear surged through my stomach. Another round through the raining storm clouds? Really? God - could you please stop sneezing? I'm just trying to make it out of this plane alive.

Long story short, everything turned out fine. We re-routed to Dublin, waited out the bad part of the rain, then went back to our actual destination - landing safely 2 hours after our scheduled arrival time. During those last few moments before our final landing - I leaned over to my friend and whispered, "If we somehow crash, and you survive but I don't - tell Jamie I might love him."
For some reason, I felt more safe telling my friend that I might love my boyfriend, than actually admitting that I could tell him myself. I realized then - I was scared. I was scared to love someone again. Or at least admit to loving someone again. After 2 years of painful break ups, running around with endless numbers of boys, thinking I could survive the rest of my life as Nik the Single, it hit me that maybe, just maybe I didn't want to live my life like that.

Eventually I did tell him. After we got back to the states from our trip to Ireland, I told him I loved him and he said it back. It was like this huge release for me. But now where does it go? I still feel that worry in my gut whenever I say it to him - fearing that he might suddenly NOT want to say it back to me. The further along we get in our relationship, the more worried I become. Tomorrow is our 8-month anniversary. That doesn't sound like a lot in the grand scheme of things, but my last relationship that lasted more than 8 months ended in a firey trainwreck of stabbing pain and sobs. Will this end one up the same way? Should I start mentally noting the times that I stop to stare at him and wonder if he's thinking 'How much longer til I can get rid of this girl?' Am I just scared because I am getting older and somehow the longer a relationship goes when you're older, the more significiant it is SUPPOSED to be? So, instead of answering all of these things, I'll pretend like I don't feel them. I'll ignore those gut instincts to be mushy and lovey with him, I won't text him "Tomorrow marks our 8th month, Dimples." Because texting him would be admitting that I need him. And needing him is something I don't know if I am ready to commit to just yet.

"So dear I love him that with him, All deaths I could endure. Without him, live no life." - Shakespeare

I'm Miss Brightside

Sometimes when I am feeling particularly low - for no apparent reason - I try to think of three good things I have going for me.

1. Hannah and Jay's wedding is rapidly approaching and I cannot wait. It's going to be so fun! The Irish are making their way over seas and we have a jam-packed weekend of events.

2. Buffy on Instant Watch. I'm going to be incredibly upset when they remove this from Netflix Instant....

3. I finished that nagging paper I have been putting off since two weeks ago. It probably will get a bad grade but at least I submitted something.

Bleh. That didn't really help.

Bookshelves.

I've decided, in a very Me way, that I want more books and more bookshelves to put them on. I want floor to cieling bookshelves, stacked high with all the literature, poetry collections, classics, picture books, etc that you can think of.

I just finished "The Bell Jar" and I have to say, after starting off kind of slow and wandering, I decided towards the end that I really liked that book. It was destined to happen as I think Sylvia Plath was a literary genius and could've been destined to greatness - but then again if she hadn't lost herself in the tangles of love and poetry and ended it that fateful morning, we never would've gotten "The Bell Jar." She would've been like every other normal, straight-laced sane person in this world and not Sylvia. But I digress. It was a lovely novel and well-written. The end really surprised me in some ways. The main character starts in one place - New York seemingly being normal or trying to be, then she moves into craziness where everyone is out to get her and its all too hard to bare, but I felt shockingly akin to what she was saying, as if it all really made sense to feel that way, then after a suicide attempt she goes to the asylums and gets treatments. It's all very well done. I almost felt as though I was trying to be normal, then slowly going nuts, then coming back from Crazyland with Ester. Wherever you are Miss Plath - well done!

On to other news. Today - tonight - this evening - I become a real poet. After a month of knowing I won the Rising Phoenix Award for Poetry on campus, I finally get to see it in the journal at the launch party tonight, and I'm reading it in the coffeehouse. My family is going to be there which makes me more nervous than just rambling it out in front of random strangers, but that's a-OK. It's such a high knowing that anyone who picks up the Sheepshead Review Journal is going to see my name, face, and poem in a place of honor and grace. They will see that someone somewhere out there was touched by what I WROTE. Something that came from MY MIND and MY PAIN was able to reach off the page and grab the throat of another human being and say, "I'm here. Feel me." It's all incredibly overwhelming and amazing. I can't wait!

On that note, I have to get ready for the day. It's already 10:34 and I've done nothing but surf Tumblr and Facebook since 9:30. Woops!

A favorite quote from "The Bell Jar":

"How did I know that someday--at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere--the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?"

Oh Sylvia. <3

Shake Weight....?

Just saw a commercial for something called a Shake Weight which requires making a very inappropriate motion with a wobbley dumbell. Interesting...

Anywho - So it's Sunday night and I am exhausted. Point took a lot out of me. We stood in the sun for almost 8 hours with cocktails, which explains the sunburn on my chest area and arm. Yes, just one arm. The bottom part of my right arm is burnt but the left arm completely missed it. How does that happen? I don't know, but I gotta tell ya, it looks ridiculous.

I am so tired I don't think I'm going to make it to the end of this post. I think it's time to sleeeeeep. Good night blog world.

The Weekend.

So it's Friday morning. I am sitting at my teeny tiny white desk and completely putting off getting ready for the day. Normally weekends signify one thing to me: WORK WORK WORK. With my class schedule, the only way to stay afloat is to work Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays all day - damn money! Why does everything come back to money? ANYWHO, this weekend is different. I was able to swing having Saturday off so I can accompany the boy to Steven's Point, meet up with some of his friends from college, and simply relax before the last two weeks of the semester overrule my life. It should be a good time. Apparently everyone piles into a bus, gets carted off to some bar called Rusty's on the edge of town, where they procede to spend the day drinking and listening to music with friends. What's bad about that? Afternoon cocktails are always a good time if you ask me.

Before I can leave on said fun trip, I have to endure today's shift and pack before hand so we do not have to stop back by my apartment before leaving. Now if I could only get motivated. Packing for even a weekend trip is always such a pain in the booty. Especially at this time of year when the weather pretty much does Whatever The Heck It Wants. Will it rain? Will it be hot? I don't know - so clearly, I'll overpack and look like a very high maintenance gal in the process. But I can't help it if those shoes don't go with that skirt so I must bring the jeans and the tennis shoes just in case, right?


I'm getting closer to finishing "The Bell Jar." I am planning to bring it on the trip this weekend and finish it in the car. I love reading in the car. I used to do it on every trip we took when I was a kid. After I finish that I have a list growing of things I want to read over the summer. So far the list is as follows:

1. Sylvia Plath's Unabridged Journals (Started it a while ago but gave up during the school year)
2. Jane Smiley "The Age of Grief" (A rec. from my favorite professor who said it'll remind me that marriage and children aren't everything)
3. Lee Smith "Mrs. Darcy and the Blue-Eyed Stranger" (Found this rec. on my favorite author, Sarah Dessen's blog - Apparently Smith was her mentor so I'm incredibly intrigued)

I'm sure I'll continue to add more books to this as summer approaches. I can't seem to get enough of reading lately. When I was a kid, I went through a Read-Everything-Near-Me stage and it seems that I've relapsed. I think this has something to do with my sudden desire to write write write write write. Maybe I outta bring a notebook this weekend in case inspiration strikes... Then again, that might look extremely neurotic. But I digress.

I will leave this post with a few things I am enjoying this morning:
1. Dark Purple Nail Polish. I haven't had my nails painted in a long time. I feel a bit fancy and yet emo at the same time.
2. Missy Higgin's "Night Minds" on Pandora. I don't know how Pandora does it, but it always finds a song that completely envelopes me at the right time. Rarely do I feel disappointed by Pandora.
3. Skinny Vanilla Latte creamer in my coffee. Mmmmm. Thank you International Delight. You are quite Delightful.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Five Fun Things....

I am feeling rather indifferent to writing anything substantial today so I decided maybe I'll list some random things in no particular order. *deep breathe* ready! go!

1. I am really excited for Hannah and Jay's wedding. It's a little over a month away and we're getting ready for the big day. I'm still searching for shoes that will work with the bridesmaids dress. I've checked Payless, Kohls, JCP's, DSW, and Gap - so far, nothing worthy of noting unfortunately.

2. I am half way through "The Bell Jar" - my first time reading it! I'm not sure how I feel about it. Plath is great and an amazing poet so that's a huge plus. I keep expecting it to have more of a central plot but right now it seems like the whole novel is just this main character, Ester, talking about random experiences. Hoping it all ties together. I'm sure it will.

3. Some person's cell phone keeps going off very loudly and near me and scaring me half to death. Sir, please turn it down. You're in an enclosed space with other human beings and none of us are deaf. Thanks.

4. "Sex and the City 2" had a new trailer out that I just saw - Wow! I am behind the loop. I'm really excited though. It looks like Aiden reappears for a chunk of this movie, and he's look nice! Can't wait for that to come out. I am also very excited to see "Letters to Juliet." It looks corny and silly but I cannot help myself - I love love stories about writers! Gah!

5. I'm going to Steven's Point with Jamie this weekend to meet some of his Point friends. I'm a bit nervous but more excited than anything. A Saturday off from Schneider?!?!? It's amazing and fantastic and beautiful and exciting. Woot!

Have a wonderful day all!

Early Morning Revelations

So .... it's been a long while since I've been on here. I was reading this morning, a book by my favorite author, and I suddenly got very intrigued about her life. What does Sarah Dessen do when she's not writing the books that highlight my life? In the back section of her books there is always the same short bio about how Sarah lives in North Carolina and teaches at the University of Chapel Hill. 'Well,' I thought to myself, 'I want to go to grad school, maybe they have one there.' Turns out - after a little research - that they do not have a grad program for creative writing (MFA degrees) and disappointingly enough, Sarah no longer works for the U. Slightly saddened by this - now how will I randomly walk into her classroom and say, "Hi! You've influenced my life in ways you'll never even understand..." I'll have to come up with a new plan.

Also as I am reading about Sarah's life, with her dogs and her daughter and her husband, I am suddenly saddened that soon, very soon, I will graduate from college - the place where I have spent most of my time for the last 5 years and I now realize that I won't have this wonderful excuse to sit around and read poetry, or write lots of pointless pages of stuff about life and that kind of random thing that makes no sense... But then I wondered, why can't I continue to do this? And I read more about Sarah - in her bio she took 5.5 years to complete her undergrad (just like me) and she spent a few years post-grad waiting tables and writing (I'd love to do that), then she got her first book published and was hired to teach WITHOUT an MFA (as far as I can tell) - well WHY CANT I? is what came to mind. I had this flash of brilliant light in my head with a choir singing AMEN! at the top of their lungs - Why couldn't I teach at a college level? I loved being a TA with my CW professor last semester. It was one of the most uplifting and interesting experiences I've ever had. I want to teach. I want to be submerged in writing All The Time. I want to sit and read and discuss fiction and poetry with people a lot - every day if I can. It keeps my mind happy. I literally can feel my brain smiling when I am reading an EE Cummings poem or learning something new about how to write a convincing character. So this is the plan - graduate at UWGB, write every day, and do what I can to stay creative, even if that means waiting tables some day.

After all this super intense thinking about my future and what I want to do, I feel very worn out. I was awakened by Jamie around 7 am saying "Time to get up..." in that way that means "Get out of bed right now or you'll make me late for class... again." I can't help that 7 am is very very early for me. Yet another thing I'd like to do - Learn to get up early and enjoy it.

So I sit her procrastinating another boring analysis paper of a movie for Intro to Film that I did not watch, and wondering if anything is going to turn out the way that I hope it does. Probably not. But isn't that why we write? Those always turn out the way I want....

Have a beautiful day out there, world.