Defining Moments.

It's days like today where I have to stop, breathe and remind myself that I am not perfect. I have such a lack of confidence most of the time that the majority of my goals are aimed at trying to better myself physically, emotionally, academically, intellectually... I only allow myself to think that I might not have it all together, I don't know what I am doing, the future is a giant void in front of me, when I am alone. I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing, and I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel.

In life, there are those things that disappoint us, things that drive us crazy, things that break our hearts - these are defining moments. They can either rip you to pieces, or reinforce that feeling that there's another path, something not quite so easily seen from the comfort of our living rooms or bedrooms or whatever rooms we happen to reside in.

Today defines something about me. My life is going to have to be what I make it. I have goals and wishes and dreams that I'll never reach if each defining moment grabs me too hard or tears me too deep.

Defining moment: I didn't get the job at the Press Gazette.....

Now what?

Summer is almost over.

It has been a while since I wrote in here. What has been going on?
Well, I applied for a job with the Green Bay Press Gazette newspaper to be a part time feature writer and copy-editor. So far, no word on that. Being the crazy girl that I am though, I have done nothing but worry myself sick over it, check my email obsessively for a rejection and drink wine in an attempt to think about something else. Oh well, I like wine so it's a win win. :)

This week is Shark Week on Discovery - the first time I've ever watched it. Quite interesting. I like watching all the stuff about how to survive shark attacks. I don't know why I never watched this before! In the event that I am suddenly thrown into a situation where I am on a boat in the middle of the ocean and a shark capsizes the tiny dingy I'm sure I'd be on, I will be ready and it's all because of Shark Week. Go for the eyes!

With summer approaching it's end, I am sad to say I feel as though I didn't get to do as many things as I wanted. Money was tight all summer so that was a huge problem for all those fantastic summer vacations I had been hoping would happen. Damn money and it's damn control on society. Why aren't all vacation spots free? I would gladly pay nothing to go to Door Co. for a week or two. Anyone else game?

Reminder....

A very good friend of mine reminded me last night that life is precious. I hope that I never take my friends for granted, that my family is top priority - always, that living is a gift we're given and we should do something fun, loving, exciting, hilarious, ecstatic every single day to ensure that each day is lived to the fullest. Once you leave this world, we don't know if you can ever come back so I don't want to forget that there are beautiful things here I don't want to forget: lovers, friendships, family, the scent of lilac, poetry, laughter, sunshine, rainstorms, peanut butter, happiness ....

Please don't let me forget.

Random Fear.

A poem that I wrote is being published by a large arts journal called The Peninsula Pulse, based out of Door County. When I found out, I was incredibly ecstatic, as you can imagine. This arts journal has a circulation rate of 20,000 copies per month, and my little poem is going to be published in it for people to read. How could I not be thrilled? At least, that was my inital reaction. The more I think about it, the more I begin to be scared/worried. What if people don't like it? Better yet, what if people hate it? Or worse, insecurity comes into play here - what if this is the only good poem I'll ever write? I'm so afraid that I can't live up to the "amazing poem" that I wrote in a moment of complete and utter despair several months ago. Will I have to let myself fall back down into a pit of anguish and depression to write another award-winning poem? Is everything I write after this going to dull in comparison to this one thing that I was able to pull from the guts of my bitter hate for my past?

God, I hope not. I really hope not.

In other news, I am so horribly pissed off at Cellcom. My phone is basically junk. It turns off all the time, and as of this morning, it decided to be super quiet. I can barely hear the people speaking on the other end of the line. So I've been trying desperately to buy a new phone. Unfortunately I get my cell through my dad's business so I have to go through his agent to buy a new one. Her name is Sally - or Silly Sally as my dad refers to her. So after a while of back and forth with my dad about which phone would work best, I called Silly Sally about two weeks ago to get her direct opinion. She's a cell phone agent, she would know, right? Wrong. She tells me that my best bet would be a Blackberry (no, thanks) or the HTC Hero (a comparison to the iTouch). I told my dad, "HTC Hero, stat!" So he goes back to his business peeps and asks them to buy me the HTC Hero through Silly Sally asap. Silly Sally tells the business peeps, "That is a really suck phone. I won't sell her it." WHAT? Didn't you just tell me that it was one of my better options less than two weeks ago, Silly Sally? I can see why you're so Silly. Your job is a total sham of selling people stupid lies and false hopes. UGH!

That's the phone rant of today. Hopefully airing it out on the blog here will help me let it go and have a good day today. It's beautiful out and I have lots of errands to run, not to mention dinner with two of my oldest friends, Laurie and Josh, then a hair cut! OH goodness.... maybe a haircut in my fragile state isn't such a good idea... Oh well!

Splinterheads

This morning, after being woken up by a loud car horn beeping repeatedly and people screaming at me, (thanks downstairs people for the lovely wake up call), I had some coffee and randomly picked a movie to watch on Netflix called, "Splinterheads." It's a totally adorable movie about a guy who is a dork townie who falls in love with a carnie girl in a travelling carnival. It's pretty cute.The only downside is that the carnie girl is really into Geo-caching which is something that reminds me of an ex bf. He tried to get me into it - long story short. Things ended not-so-great, and the whole thing needs to evaporate immediately so I can enjoy this movie through-and-through.

I am seriously looking for a new place to live. I can't stand the people downstairs anymore. The ant problem here is getting out of control. I love the apartment and the location is nice but the cons are starting to outweigh the pros here. Jamie and I have been checking Craig's List for me but anything in the good neighborhoods is too expensive while I am in school. I'm going to pick up a Sunday paper this weekend and check out the classifieds.

Besides that, mom recruited me to help with my aunt, Linda's wedding decorations. Yesterday I stamped about 100 little paper bag thingies, and made 7 or 8 little signs for the Candy Project my mom is doing as a gift to Linda. They are putting different types of candy is odd-shaped glass dishes that people can scoop into little bags and take away from the wedding as a gift. It's kind of cute. The stamping thing just took foreverrrrrr, but I am done as of right now. Let's hope Linda doesn't change her mind and decide she doesn't want candy anymore. Ahhhh!

Work Out Videos and Day Dreams

Seriously, why do the people in work out videos always look so damn happy? The person directing the video should tell them to look natural. NO one is that happy when they're sweating their butts off and the instructor is shouting, "YOU GOT THIS!" They are thinking the same thing going through my head, "Just shut up, lady! I know I've got this!" With all the sarcasm running through my mind during the video though, I do love the Fat-Burning Pilates work out tape on Netflix. I sweat. I breath heavy. My legs hurt the next day. All signs point to a great work out being done, which is a good thing! Tomorrow back to work which means back to the gym. Bleh.

I spent my last two days off work hanging out at Jamie's house. We literally did nothing both days and it was kind of nice, even if I did feel like a slacker. As I said, back to the grind tomorrow for 4 days. Ugh. I should really try to marry rich so I can just do pilates and write all day long. That'd be the life. I'd hire a personal pilates trainer to come to my house every morning and whoop my arse into shape. I'd hire a cook who makes perfect grilled chicken and glazed green beans for dinner, and also hand makes frozen yogurt. Mmmm. I'd move into a house that doesn't have an ant infestation, and buy a big screen television set. I'd exhile my possibly-fat-and-lazy rich husband to the pool house while my girlfriends and I gossiped about life over wine in the main house.... Ah, yes. I could go on forever...

Guilt!

I've been feeling bad about how I've been eating lately even though I'm TRYING so hard to be good.

Today:
1 Cup Chicken Wild Rice soup
Half a turkey sandwich with Mayo
100 Calorie pack
4 squares of sausage pizza (leftovers)
1 glass of Raspberry Lemonade

It's the pizza! It calls to me/makes me feel horrible about myself. After work I did go on a 25 min rollerblade excursion. Not my longest rollerblading fun but my mom was on her way over and I didn't want to be gone very long. She was here when I got back freaking out that I wasn't home! EEEEK! And I JUST got done doing 45 min of fat-burning Crunch Pilates. Oh my god. I haven't been this sweaty in a long time. I think I made up (kind of) for the pizza (mmm pizza).

This blog is rapidly becoming about my boring diet....

More later.