What Would Cummings Do?

The sun is going down on the streets of Green Bay, and I'm sipping on cinnamon-infused coffee. Savoring spices seems wrong when I have had so little hope in the past weeks. I reach for my poetry books and come up with an ee cummings collection.
If cummings were here, what would he do? Would he let the sun fall without dancing in it's delightful warmth, sucking the last few ounces of indian summer for its light? The leaves on the tree directly facing my window have all fallen. They are now dead and brown on the grass and in the street, crunching along the cement. Would cummings think this a positive or negative attribution of their life? When the leaves die, do we die as well? Would he assume his own death in the changing of the seasons? I don't know. But I wish I could ask him.
Cummings has forever been my touch stone. When I hear his words echo through my empty apartment, I am comforted and soothed. A man I once thought I loved called me his ee cummings' girl, but even with the deadliest pain scarring my heart from our ending, I still feel that I am the world's ee cummings' girl, hidden skillfully behind coffee and cigarettes.
I love the words I cannot comprehend. I do not need to understand words to know that I love them. So why on earth did I feel like I needed to understand matters of my heart to love myself? Would cummings have regretted his life if words did not exist in it? I know I would.
Another man I thought I cared for deeply once made me feel like writing was not important. He wouldn't read my writing, he pointed his angry fingers at my poetry when things were crumbling between us, and for that I will never forgive him. I may forgive many things and continue to move on, but that one moment changed how I felt about him forever. Would cummings have ever pined for someone who made his writing seem insignificant? I seriously, seriously doubt it, and neither will I.
I've been failed by many people, felt loss and pain from many people, but my words have never abandoned me, and for that I will not die with the leaves. I will patiently wait for spring, knowing that beneath all death is some new birth awaiting our gleeful eyes.
“--fear buries a tomorrow under woe / and up comes yesterday most green and young”

No one knows my pain... like Curt Kobain

So another note to that person who shall remain nameless....

I saw you on Friday for the first time since we last spoke. I know you saw me. I know it hurt you. It had to. How could it not? It was killing me, walking around talking to people like you weren't there, pretending I wasn't upset by your being there. What a joke. I hated it. I hated that I couldn't just walk up to you and give you a friendly hug or tell you the things that have been going on in my world. It felt wrong. I miss my friend.

I know what you said too. What you said about me and feeling bad about me. I don't know what it means, I don't know if I want to know what it means, but there it is now. You should feel bad because if I am feeling this horrible day in and day out, then it's only fair that you are as well.

You didn't have to run away, then or Friday. I talked to your friend at bar close, and he was so nice to me that I thought my heart would break. I didn't deserve that. But then again, I don't know what I deserve anymore...

It's been a while...

I know this is a stretch, but I feel like I must use this as a medium to talk to a certain someone who once told me he read my blog all the time (even though I never post on it). I doubt this person still reads it, however, I have things to get off my mind and instead of holding them inside I can release them into the universe... here it goes.

It's been over a month since we've spoken, and it all still feels so fresh. I feel like day-to-day I'm slowly getting over the whole thing, but then again some days are harder than others. Then I think to myself, why are you and the thoughts of you bothering me so much? We barely were a thing when it all ended so abruptly. The more I think about it, the more I'm reminded that it wasn't just you - it was the idea of you.

I had been eager for this to happen for a very long time. I remember wanting it a year ago and thinking it'd never happen. We were always in different places at different times, but I knew I would always have you as a friend come the school semester. You were a touching stone, a rock I could lean on, someone I could talk to about things and confide in. You got me in ways that other men didn't seem to. The poetry, the glances, the small flickers in mood, you saw them in me - acknowledged my me-ness and accepted it as who I am. I don't think a lot of people can say that about anyone they know - friends or otherwise.

So there are these times when I can distract myself long enough to almost forget that for a moment I had finally gotten what had taken more than a year to blossom. I work, and shop, and hang out with friends, and watch endless DVDs... some moments I don't even remember that you are out there. But more often then not, you are there. In the moments following those moments, with some memory popping out and catching me off guard. The smallest things can set me off sometimes, when my mind is left to wander and I have nothing or no one around to keep it moving. I've re-played those last conversations in my head over and over again, searching for some moment of recognition that you knew it was going to hurt as much as it has. That you were going to hate this too. That you were losing a good friend as well...

The harder I try not to think about these things, the harder the You in my mind digs his heels in. Those times in the 4e office, wandering campus halls together, stealing smokes between classes, planning routes around MAC hall so that I could have a shot at seeing you during the day. You plagued my thoughts constantly and yet I was continuously trying to push you to the back of my mind, only to have you agree that it was a mutual feeling until recently.

I have tortured myself for weeks now trying to figure out how I changed, how you changed, and why I was suddenly not worth the effort. It has driven me to tears, to starvation, anguish, and to miss days at work. I can't even write the way I want to. Everything comes out in jumbled words and painfully overemotional sentence fragments. I feel helpless and bitter. You were supposed to be my guide post. I didn't want a savior or a knight, I just wanted a partner. That was too much for you to handle - I was too much for you to handle... and I will continue to wonder why that is, possibly for years to come because I had held you on a pedestal for so long.

I'm sure I'll do this again some day, but for now - that's enough, boo (don't call me boo.)

Paddy's Day

It's hard to believe that two years ago I was in Ireland on this date. I was sitting on the couch at the 717, sick to my stomach with a horrible bladder infection, watching some bad television with the lads and watching them drink the nastiness wine known to mankind, Noblemen. It was also an experience I'll never forget. The feel of the sunshine outside, the smell of the apartment, the comfort of the lads as I laid feeling ill on the couch... Some experiences stay with you forever, and Ireland will always be that for me. It was something I did for me, which I don't think happens enough in my life. I'm usually running here or there for this person or that person and trying so hard to please the world. When will I stop and just focus on myself for a while?

I feel I am getting a bit better at it. I can recognize the warning signs of forgetting who I am... That has to count for something, right? We work and work at being a certain person and being seen a certain way, but never stop to take notice of who we actually are or what we stand for until its too late. I don't want to forget there are things I aim to be for my own self-worth: open-minded, intelligent, gentle, sweet, funny, self-sufficient.... It's the self-sufficent that I think I struggle with the most. But how uncommon is that really? As humans we try to find that one person to "complete" us, but I feel like that's a bunch of crap. Whey can't we complete ourselves and find someone who compliments the greatness that is us?

So all in all I guess I do have a New Year's Resolution: Find who I am and be great at being me.

The goal.

I didn't set any weird New Year's Resoluations - not that I ever do - however, I made one solid goal for myself for 2011. I want to write every single day. Not just on the blog, including the blog, which I have woefully fallen out of love with, but also in a notebook, on my laptop, on my desktop, on pieces of scrap paper, anywhere and whenever. Wish me luck...

Beware the Sent Box

I learned a very valuable lesson tonight: my email's sent box is an unexpected minefield of broken hearts and unanswered prayers. Without thinking, I wandered into the sent box of my personal mail and found a couple hundred emails I had completely forgotten I'd once written. Some more difficult to read over than others. Let's just say, I'm recovering from the ache in my chest as we speak.

As prepared as we can be for life's unexpected heart breaks, there are no preparations. Things come at you and you're not able to stop them. I feel as though this is a lesson I am continually learning over and over. After each let down or painful experience, I expect to pop out on the other side a completely different person; a girl who understands the world better than before, who can handle whatever life has to throw next. In reality, that feeling only lasts until the next gut-wrenching newsbreak hits and I'm back to square 1, wondering where all my "lessons learned" and wise knowledge-based-on-experience went.

Maybe the better option should be to just forgive and forget, if only I could get to that point. Is there a way to forgive and forget things that change your life's path in almost every way? People come in and out of our lives all the time. My dear friend, Nicole and I had a conversation about this very topic last night. We decided we are entirely changed girls from the ones we were 3 years ago. With that being said, we could not decide if that was a good or bad thing. Why are we so afraid of change? Most of the emails I discovered were ones going to people who used to be huge parts of my life. Sadly, all of those people are no longer speaking to me for various reasons, be it break up, break down, or change. There's that word again - change...

Realizations Unwanted

Has anyone ever told you something about your past that you yourself had no idea happened? They open this Pandora's box and suddenly the flood gates of your mind are rushing with thoughts, worries, panics, and worst of all, regret. You tell yourself its all going to go away. It happened a long time ago and there's no reason to be upset, but that doesn't plug the flood. In fact, the thoughts are coming more quickly now, rapidly ripping all rational argument from your mind. Could this one thing entirely change your existence? Does it change your experiences? Tear back the flesh of old wounds? Maybe. Maybe it doesn't though. Maybe it just stews in your mind reminding you of why these things have been set aside for so long; why you've been meticulously building a wall to hold in these particular floods for 3 years of your life. You've pushed, pulled, beaten yourself into a bloody mess of your former self many times over only to lay the discarded hatred and misunderstanding in front of a rushing onslaught of fear and denial. If you don't acknowledge it, it's not real right? Right...

Real Simple, Poets & Writers, Sundays

Two new magazine romances: Real Simple for all my "adult" fashion and decor needs, and Poets and Writers for all my intrigue of MFA programs, fiction pieces, up and comers, etc. Both great. Both slightly expensive but totally worth it. Maybe I should look into subscriptions... I digress.

Today is my day off. I am eating it up. Monday - Thursday and Thursday - Saturday night I am either at school all day or at work all day, with little break to watch TV, read, eat... Sunday is the sanctuary for which I wait all week. Sitting on my futon couch looking out the front window to see the beautiful sun and leaves blowing in the fall breeze... perfection in Wisconsin. I love that the leaves are finally changing. It makes the world seem a bit magical.

Also having a day off leaves me free to catch up with old friends, good books, etc. Erica is going to be coming over for lunch soon and we're making some delicious taco salad. I am both thrilled for taco salad and thrilled for Erica. I haven't seen her in a very long time and we can chit chat about all her wedding plans. Less than a year away!

The down fall of Sundays: the next day is Monday, aka the day from college hell. I have class from 1245 until 9 pm with a 1 hour break. It's quite crazy but I can't say I hate it... yet. I'm sure I will towards the end of the semester. Tomorrow is especially going to be rough considering I have a group meeting at 1030 in the morning, then class all day with a 2nd group meeting after 5. At least night class is canceled to leave room for group work or I'd lose my mind. Oh wait... I probably already have...

A sea of worries

I'm awash with worry the last two days. It began with a night of tossing and turning and ended with my spending last night at Jamie's to avoid curling up in a ball on my bed in fear. There have been many scary arrests being made VERY near my house and its gotten a bit out of hand. All this makes me think, "Why should I be scared? What is meant to be is going to happen no matter where I live, what I do to defend myself, etc. I should just man up." Then the other part of my body screams, "Are you kidding!? Get out while you still can!!" For now, I'm going to tough it out. There's not much else I can do with a limited college kid income.

In other happier news, I was named the new Chief Copy Editor for the Sheepshead Review Journal of the Arts. It's bittersweet to me though. I just spent 6 semesters editing a newspaper and now I'm going to be doing some more editing. Don't get me wrong, I will love it. Part of me just wishes I could get away from all the editing and do something else for a while. It'll look great on my resume though so can't complain too much :) The Sheepshead Journal is a beautiful, fun publication and I'm so proud to be a part of it.

This morning I am sitting on Jamie's couch watching "Gilmore Girls" and oddly enough, contemplating baby names. No, I am not pregnant nor do I want to be. I was just discussing baby names with my pregnant co-worker last week and it got me thinking about it. I would seriously consider naming one of my daughters after a Gilmore character. I like Lane and Lorelei. Those are my picks. My other baby name hopefuls for girls are as follows:
1. Penelope Joyce *Joyce is a family name
2. Harper Lorelei
3. Claire Pearl *Pearl is a family name
4. Thisbe Lane (Pronounced Thiz-bee - a Shakespeare character)

For boys... (Note: not as many as girls because I am bad at boy names)
1. Milo Jay
2. Caleb Daniel *Daniel a family name
3. Leo (middle name unknown)

So now that I got all that out of my mind and down in writing, time to move on from maternal instincts.

Grad schools.... *sigh* Time to start thinking long term. God, help me.

Caramel Apple Cookies = Awesome

The first full week of school is almost done and I can proudly say I only missed one class for a very practical reason. *Pats self on back* I'm doing good! I actually do not hate any of the classes I am in (yet!), and my professors all seem pretty cool. Two professors I've had before, three new ones, all nice so far; I'm not overly concerned. My last semester of school should go pretty smoothly. *Sigh of relief*

On the school note, I have applied to be an editor on the Sheepshead Review: Journal of the Arts on campus. They are the publication who chose my poem last year as their Rising Phoenix winner. I worked on the journal once before as a copy-editing assistant. I liked it then but I was so wrapped up in the newspaper on campus and other things that I let Sheepshead fall off my map. Now that I've freed up some time though, I am really hoping to be an editor for them. I love all the things they stand for and do for the campus. They publish nonfiction, fiction, poetry, and visual arts pieces from students on campus. It's pretty fantastic and I feel pretty lucky that UWGB actually has this kind of thing available for their students to be involved in. I sound like an infomercial for campus... And moving on.

Tomorrow is my first day back at work after a nice week off. Ick! I am not looking forward to it but I do need the money so... whatever. Subsequently it is my first weekend of Sundays OFF! No work and no school and no commitments of any kind. YAY!!!! It's going to be so lovely, I can't even describe it.

I think that's all I've got for now. Night night!

The Real Door County Update

Now that I am home and hoping that my laptop doesn't pull the manuever that Jamie's did, I can update on our Door County trip. It was a lot of fun! The first day we got there, we spent the night walking around Ephraim and Fish Creek. We bought fudge and looked at tons of jewlery, clothes, mouthblown glass (including Berni, a glass fish Jamie loved), scoped out some coffee shops and what not. I ended up buying some really cool stuff - a hand-made hat, an awesome necklace with an octupus on it, and some huge sunglasses.

After shopping, we went back to the hotel and chilled for the rest of the evening. We had some dinner (i.e. turkey sandwiches and chips) then fell asleep. It was so relaxing just being away from home that I felt sleepy most of the time. The next day sadly we woke up to rain, cloudiness and fog, which didn't lift until late in the day. Regardless, we went out for breakfast where I had a fabulous omlette that was way over-priced, then took a nap at the hotel. In the afternoon, we drove all the way up the peninsula to see the lake. It would've been even more amazing if it hadn't been raining but was still pretty cool.

Saturday evening we went to this very lovely restaurant called Top Deck that overlooks Lake Michigan. The rain and fog had started to lift at this point so we could see further out on the water. Dinner was good then we went back to swim in the heated, lit pool - the only pool time we got but it was toasty warm in there so it worked out just fine. Another night of good sleep, and the next day we were on our way back to Green Bay for the Packer game. Now, if you know me, you know I don't like the Packers, however, I attempted to make the effort. I'm not sure if Jamie was happy about this or annoyed. I tend to ask some really dumb questions when it comes to football due to lack of understanding... I TRIED, OK!?

So that's that. Good night blog-world.

Live from Door County!

I am very annoyed that I just typed out a bunch of stuff about Door County (since we are finally here!) and then the laptop randomly decided to delete it....

Thanks stupid laptop. Guess I'll wait til later to update out of shear agitation.

Good night.

Second 1st Day

So today was my "second 1st day" of classes for the semester. I say this because I've already had two days of 1 class, and today was my first day for 2 classes. The way they start the semester is always so crazy. I will have met with my Nut Sci (haha nut sci) class three times before I even have 1 of my night class sessions. Bah. Whatever college crazies! Get it together! But I digress. Overall it was a good day. I had a Public Relations class which I'm assuming is going to be all about our group project at the end of the semester (or so it seemed) then went to Language and Society where I learned some semi-interesting things about the way people talk in elevators...

After those classes I attended the meeting of the Sheepshead Review class. Although I am not actually IN that class, I decided to be in the org for it. Sheepshead Review is this great campus arts journal that I was given a poetry award by this past spring. I've worked on it one semester before and kept meaning to get involved again. Since I am no longer working for the campus newspaper, now is the perfect time. I will have the time commitment to them and hopefully can wrangle an editor position to plump up my resume. Not to mention, I love all the people who put together the SHR journal. With all my comm classes this fall, I was sure I'd be missing my English major friends. But now! I'll see them in SHR. Yay!!!

Tomorrow I have one class for an hour and 20 min. then I have a dreaded 8-hour shift of work (bleh!). After that though, I get to pack for Door County!!! I cannot wait. It'll be so nice to be off the WHOLE weekend and get to relax with Jamie. Fall is by far my favorite time of year and I am very excited to get up by the water and just relax, read, wander. It'll be wonderful!

Coffee Addictions & GG

Recently my mornings result in waking up, half alive, crawling/walking into the kitchen and immediately filling the coffeemaker. It's getting a bit ridiculous. This addiction to coffee is almost startling. When I was young, I would've sworn that I'd never drink the stuff - ever! Then with the discovery of novelty coffee shops like Gloria Jeans and Starbucks, I became a fan of flavored coffee. Then last year, I realized that they actually make flavored coffee that you can buy at the store and make in your home! What a lovely thought. Vanilla coffee and skinny caramel machiatto creamer in my living room? Heart be still! *sip*

My other addiction right now: Gilmore Girls. It's always been an addiction for me but with the cooler, fall weather, it's a staple. Something about the leaves falling and pulling out the old coats and scarves reminds me of those wacky Gilmore Girls and their witty banter. In fact, as I type this I am enjoying season 3. Rory & Jess - what a cute couple! If only he hadn't been a rebellious jerk! Woa woa woa. Simmer down now...

Have a good Labor Day, bloggers!

Computer!

I got my laptop back so now I can finally update my blog and get back into "cyber" world... I don't know if that's a good thing.

My first class of my last semester at UWGB was today. Wow... 5 years have gone by since I graduated high school and sometimes I feel like it is my first day on campus. I see all these freshmen running around like chickens with their heads cut off. They're holding up maps of campus and wearing backpacks that are filled to the brim with new textbooks. Their coffee mugs, t-shirts, day planners, and sweatpants all have school embellishments visible. I'm sure when I was a freshmen, there was some 5th year senior watching me wander aimlessly around the Union and giggling at my expense too. Tradition is a funny thing.

On a happy note, next week is my 1-year anniversary since the first kiss between Jamie and I. Another wow moment... I am shocked that its been a whole year since we first started smooching. We've had a few ups and downs but overall, we're as happy as ever, which is all I can ask for. There's that old girlie saying about being in love with your best friend and how wonderful it is... I think for us, it was the opposite. I fell in love and then he became my best friend - the one who holds me up, makes me laugh, rubs my back at night, cuddles me early in the morning, snores into the night, teases me... It's all good and soon it'll be all good in Door Co. :) We are staying at the Bay Breeze in Ephraim for two nights. Check it out:

It's not the most amazingly gorgeous Door Co. resort, however, it is directly acrossed from the beach, it was only slightly over our budget, AND they have a whirlpool in the room. Not to mention their outdoor, heated pool and hot tub. Uh, yeah. Needless to say, I'm definitely looking forward to next weekend.

Good night, blog world.

Goals.

Simple Goals to Achieve Pre-Death:
1. Live.
2. Be happy.
3. Write something that affects more than just parents/close friends.
4. Love fully.

.... more to come.

The Light...

After the upset and tears that was yesterday, a good friend and coworker wrote this on my facebook and helped turn me all around:

"Don't forget your friend Robert Frost, Two roads diverged in the woods, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. You're young, there is plenty of time to find that clear path! Enjoy this time of wandering about, you'll miss it someday."

She reminded me that I am young. I have plenty of time to look around and take things in. There shouldn't have to be a rush on my career, my relationship, my life until I am ready for those things to take root. She reminded me of one of my most favorite works by one of my most favorite authors - someone I will always love and admire - Mr. Robert Frost. Two roads diverge in a woods - which will I take? The one less travelled by might not be as easy or readily rewarding, but then again, I haven't backed down from a challenge yet.

When I was rejected from the arts journal on campus last year, I resubmitted, came back and won their poetry award. When I thought all hope was lost at my job, I gritted my teeth and told my boss how I really felt, and things are getting better.

So don't worry, Mr. Frost. I got this, the road less travelled by, and it will make all the difference.

Defining Moments.

It's days like today where I have to stop, breathe and remind myself that I am not perfect. I have such a lack of confidence most of the time that the majority of my goals are aimed at trying to better myself physically, emotionally, academically, intellectually... I only allow myself to think that I might not have it all together, I don't know what I am doing, the future is a giant void in front of me, when I am alone. I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing, and I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel.

In life, there are those things that disappoint us, things that drive us crazy, things that break our hearts - these are defining moments. They can either rip you to pieces, or reinforce that feeling that there's another path, something not quite so easily seen from the comfort of our living rooms or bedrooms or whatever rooms we happen to reside in.

Today defines something about me. My life is going to have to be what I make it. I have goals and wishes and dreams that I'll never reach if each defining moment grabs me too hard or tears me too deep.

Defining moment: I didn't get the job at the Press Gazette.....

Now what?

Summer is almost over.

It has been a while since I wrote in here. What has been going on?
Well, I applied for a job with the Green Bay Press Gazette newspaper to be a part time feature writer and copy-editor. So far, no word on that. Being the crazy girl that I am though, I have done nothing but worry myself sick over it, check my email obsessively for a rejection and drink wine in an attempt to think about something else. Oh well, I like wine so it's a win win. :)

This week is Shark Week on Discovery - the first time I've ever watched it. Quite interesting. I like watching all the stuff about how to survive shark attacks. I don't know why I never watched this before! In the event that I am suddenly thrown into a situation where I am on a boat in the middle of the ocean and a shark capsizes the tiny dingy I'm sure I'd be on, I will be ready and it's all because of Shark Week. Go for the eyes!

With summer approaching it's end, I am sad to say I feel as though I didn't get to do as many things as I wanted. Money was tight all summer so that was a huge problem for all those fantastic summer vacations I had been hoping would happen. Damn money and it's damn control on society. Why aren't all vacation spots free? I would gladly pay nothing to go to Door Co. for a week or two. Anyone else game?

Reminder....

A very good friend of mine reminded me last night that life is precious. I hope that I never take my friends for granted, that my family is top priority - always, that living is a gift we're given and we should do something fun, loving, exciting, hilarious, ecstatic every single day to ensure that each day is lived to the fullest. Once you leave this world, we don't know if you can ever come back so I don't want to forget that there are beautiful things here I don't want to forget: lovers, friendships, family, the scent of lilac, poetry, laughter, sunshine, rainstorms, peanut butter, happiness ....

Please don't let me forget.