I know this is a stretch, but I feel like I must use this as a medium to talk to a certain someone who once told me he read my blog all the time (even though I never post on it). I doubt this person still reads it, however, I have things to get off my mind and instead of holding them inside I can release them into the universe... here it goes.
It's been over a month since we've spoken, and it all still feels so fresh. I feel like day-to-day I'm slowly getting over the whole thing, but then again some days are harder than others. Then I think to myself, why are you and the thoughts of you bothering me so much? We barely were a thing when it all ended so abruptly. The more I think about it, the more I'm reminded that it wasn't just you - it was the idea of you.
I had been eager for this to happen for a very long time. I remember wanting it a year ago and thinking it'd never happen. We were always in different places at different times, but I knew I would always have you as a friend come the school semester. You were a touching stone, a rock I could lean on, someone I could talk to about things and confide in. You got me in ways that other men didn't seem to. The poetry, the glances, the small flickers in mood, you saw them in me - acknowledged my me-ness and accepted it as who I am. I don't think a lot of people can say that about anyone they know - friends or otherwise.
So there are these times when I can distract myself long enough to almost forget that for a moment I had finally gotten what had taken more than a year to blossom. I work, and shop, and hang out with friends, and watch endless DVDs... some moments I don't even remember that you are out there. But more often then not, you are there. In the moments following those moments, with some memory popping out and catching me off guard. The smallest things can set me off sometimes, when my mind is left to wander and I have nothing or no one around to keep it moving. I've re-played those last conversations in my head over and over again, searching for some moment of recognition that you knew it was going to hurt as much as it has. That you were going to hate this too. That you were losing a good friend as well...
The harder I try not to think about these things, the harder the You in my mind digs his heels in. Those times in the 4e office, wandering campus halls together, stealing smokes between classes, planning routes around MAC hall so that I could have a shot at seeing you during the day. You plagued my thoughts constantly and yet I was continuously trying to push you to the back of my mind, only to have you agree that it was a mutual feeling until recently.
I have tortured myself for weeks now trying to figure out how I changed, how you changed, and why I was suddenly not worth the effort. It has driven me to tears, to starvation, anguish, and to miss days at work. I can't even write the way I want to. Everything comes out in jumbled words and painfully overemotional sentence fragments. I feel helpless and bitter. You were supposed to be my guide post. I didn't want a savior or a knight, I just wanted a partner. That was too much for you to handle - I was too much for you to handle... and I will continue to wonder why that is, possibly for years to come because I had held you on a pedestal for so long.
I'm sure I'll do this again some day, but for now - that's enough, boo (don't call me boo.)
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