Break-ups are something we all go through at some point. They are a necessary evil of the single girl's life, so why when we get broken up with, are we so absolutely shocked and broken?
When we get dumped by someone we cared about, it seems like the end of the world. The sun seems dimmer, external noises fade into background noise, and friends do their best to convince you that "its for the best." If it's for the best then why does it feel so awful? And why do we justify away painful break-ups by saying that we'll find someone "better" soon? If we hadn't thought that person was great, we wouldn't have been with them in the first place. What is the point of being with someone if you think you could do better the minute things get tough?
Friends and family can only tell us what they think we need to hear during these break-up times. "It'll be OK," "You'll find someone better," "This is for the best," "You'll feel better in a few days." But how often do these things actually mend a broken heart? They are temporary band aids designed by each of us to cover up what is bubbling under the surface - pain, humiliation, anger, hurt, resent, regret....
We, as women, validate our lives through the acceptence of a man. Instead of looking inside and finding a place to be happy with our individual opinions and feelings about who we are, there are days when we just need a man to tell us we're beautiful or amazing. Why can't I tell myself that I'm beautiful and amazing and feel the same thing?
I guess I misjudged my last relationship. I thought this person was kind and thoughtful and patient. I thought he cared about me and was willing to be in a relationship but, as it turns out, he wasn't ready for the challenges of a relationship at all.
The walls have already been rebuilt and they are twice as strong as they were before he came along and demolished what I had worked so hard to protect - my heart.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
ambition...
what makes a good writer?
is it hours of writing maticulously on a laptop or furiously scribbling away in a notebook? creating something out of nothing? putting thought to paper even when thought is jumbled up confusion and piles of unrecognizable word?
who decides these things?
i have all the ambition in the world to be a fantastic writer. but here i sit ....
alone in my room.
reading the Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath - one of the most praised poets of my generation. what have i accomplished? this woman died at the age of 30 by her own hand and she became ONE OF THE GREATEST POETS of a GENERATION. what can i say about myself that even comes close to that??? i will be 30 in 8 short years and i've come up with, maybe, a handful of poems and one decent short story, that could use some work.
i spout off all these great things i want to do but instead of doing them. i am doing nothing but wishing upon ambition that is filled with bloated dreams.
i want to make those dreams a reality...
and the time to do it
is now.
is it hours of writing maticulously on a laptop or furiously scribbling away in a notebook? creating something out of nothing? putting thought to paper even when thought is jumbled up confusion and piles of unrecognizable word?
who decides these things?
i have all the ambition in the world to be a fantastic writer. but here i sit ....
alone in my room.
reading the Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath - one of the most praised poets of my generation. what have i accomplished? this woman died at the age of 30 by her own hand and she became ONE OF THE GREATEST POETS of a GENERATION. what can i say about myself that even comes close to that??? i will be 30 in 8 short years and i've come up with, maybe, a handful of poems and one decent short story, that could use some work.
i spout off all these great things i want to do but instead of doing them. i am doing nothing but wishing upon ambition that is filled with bloated dreams.
i want to make those dreams a reality...
and the time to do it
is now.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
oy with the poodles already...
so i'm in this relationship with this boy... let's call him... G.
G and i have been doing well, i think. most of the time we are very good. we hang out, get along, chat, share things, laugh with each other.
however,
i told him that i think i might love him and he did not say it back. that is the first time i've ever had that happen to me ... ever. every single guy that i've been with or said that to has always said it back.
maybe i'm being childish or immature but i dunno how to handle this situation. this is the most normal relationship that i've ever been in - i'm having a Carrie Bradshaw/Aiden moment. he's too good to me and i'm freaking out inside because i'm not used to being treated so well.
what is wrong with me?
G and i have been doing well, i think. most of the time we are very good. we hang out, get along, chat, share things, laugh with each other.
however,
i told him that i think i might love him and he did not say it back. that is the first time i've ever had that happen to me ... ever. every single guy that i've been with or said that to has always said it back.
maybe i'm being childish or immature but i dunno how to handle this situation. this is the most normal relationship that i've ever been in - i'm having a Carrie Bradshaw/Aiden moment. he's too good to me and i'm freaking out inside because i'm not used to being treated so well.
what is wrong with me?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
oh, what a night...
its 3 in the afternoon on a Thursday and I am hung over. what happened to my tolerence? i used to be able to at least judge how much i could consume without totally losing it. now i'm all over the place. sucky.
i went out for Karen's birthday last night. she just turned 21 and we had a lot of fun. i went out with the boy and his friends. they are so much fun and utterly hilarious. the boy and i are doing well i suppose. i don't really know what to say about that. i guess the truth is that i'm terribly afraid right now. he came into my life right when i was trying to get rid of that pesky broken hearted feeling that was tugging at me from all sides. i still have that feeling sometimes... well, more than sometimes but it's becoming less. he's a good guy. he treats me like a princess. i don't deserve to be treated so well, honestly. i'm following him down this road tho and we'll see where it goes. i don't wanna give up on someone who is great because of someone who completely broke me. then i'm the fool and i'm alone.
note to you, if you ever read this: i hope you're doing well. i miss talking to you. i almost sent you a message the other day but stopped myself. i dunno how to be OK with what happened but i'm trying to move on. doing the best i can anyhow. i hope you're happy out there. there's a song i wanted you to listen to but it just seems ridiculous now... maybe some day. i hope she's treating you right.
signing off - have a good night cyber world.
i went out for Karen's birthday last night. she just turned 21 and we had a lot of fun. i went out with the boy and his friends. they are so much fun and utterly hilarious. the boy and i are doing well i suppose. i don't really know what to say about that. i guess the truth is that i'm terribly afraid right now. he came into my life right when i was trying to get rid of that pesky broken hearted feeling that was tugging at me from all sides. i still have that feeling sometimes... well, more than sometimes but it's becoming less. he's a good guy. he treats me like a princess. i don't deserve to be treated so well, honestly. i'm following him down this road tho and we'll see where it goes. i don't wanna give up on someone who is great because of someone who completely broke me. then i'm the fool and i'm alone.
note to you, if you ever read this: i hope you're doing well. i miss talking to you. i almost sent you a message the other day but stopped myself. i dunno how to be OK with what happened but i'm trying to move on. doing the best i can anyhow. i hope you're happy out there. there's a song i wanted you to listen to but it just seems ridiculous now... maybe some day. i hope she's treating you right.
signing off - have a good night cyber world.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
why do i always blog late at night?
almost midnight and i have this overwhelming feeling that i have no purpose and i'm going no where. i feel very torn about how i've been living my life lately. i LOVE my friends, i like my school, my grades are pretty decent i guess... so what is missing? i want to get outta here like immediately. ever since ireland i keep itching to travel - everywhere and anywhere. i feel like i'm wasting time sitting around green bay doing nothing but study, work, study, work, study, hang out, work, work, work...
i want to go to italy (without the earthquakes), i want to see spain, i want to be in paris and eat french cuisine. i want to see asia and have the time of my life. i feel like i'm just marking time right now until something life-altering happens. something life-altering already did happen and i haven't quite recovered from it yet...
how do you forget someone who changes your world? how do you pretend it didn't happen? how do you let someone new in if the someone who changed your world also wrecked it? how do i lower the walls for another person who could crush me?
how do i figure out all this without the help of my friends who are completely sick of hearing about it?
i want to go to italy (without the earthquakes), i want to see spain, i want to be in paris and eat french cuisine. i want to see asia and have the time of my life. i feel like i'm just marking time right now until something life-altering happens. something life-altering already did happen and i haven't quite recovered from it yet...
how do you forget someone who changes your world? how do you pretend it didn't happen? how do you let someone new in if the someone who changed your world also wrecked it? how do i lower the walls for another person who could crush me?
how do i figure out all this without the help of my friends who are completely sick of hearing about it?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The Emerald Isle....
so i just got back from ireland. wow. words i never thought i'd say... or type for that matter. it was famazing (which is fuck and amazing... together). Mo and i met some of the most hilarious, insane, awesomely disgusting people i've ever met in my life. they were perfect in every way. as Hannah said, "these boys are us... only boys..." - it was so true.
we spent time with Jay's family in county Kerry. they were all wonderfully delightful, and, with the exception of the pudding (fried blood), the food was delicious. we drove around the countryside. spent some time in Dingle - utterly beautiful little town with friendly people and chowder! we went to the Cliffs of Moher where i personally did a lot of thinking about my life in general. we went to the night clubs and pubs and danced all night. drank a giant pitcher of sex on the beach by myself and got protected by one Brendan Moroney from the scary irish creepers. hung out at '717' and watched Family Guy with the lads.
if i hadn't gotten ill, i would've never wanted to leave. those boys are like family now. utterly amazing in every way. and i miss Hannah more and more. thankfully she and Jay are coming to Wisconsin in a few weeks. phew.
i don't know why i'm writing on here. no one reads this blog and i've never really shown it to anyone. for some reason i feel like i'm talking to you and i miss talking to you so much. when i was in Ireland, i felt like you were all around me, which makes a lot of sense but it always put this... gloom into my thoughts. a tainted feeling almost. why? why am i still bothered by this? i've been faced with much more difficult things in my life but this is just stuck in my head. bouncing around from the darkest corners of my mind, filling me with doubt and regret and driving my sanity out the window.
i don't want to burden people around me by talking to them about this so i'll send this message out into the lonely void that is cyberspace.......
now what?
we spent time with Jay's family in county Kerry. they were all wonderfully delightful, and, with the exception of the pudding (fried blood), the food was delicious. we drove around the countryside. spent some time in Dingle - utterly beautiful little town with friendly people and chowder! we went to the Cliffs of Moher where i personally did a lot of thinking about my life in general. we went to the night clubs and pubs and danced all night. drank a giant pitcher of sex on the beach by myself and got protected by one Brendan Moroney from the scary irish creepers. hung out at '717' and watched Family Guy with the lads.
if i hadn't gotten ill, i would've never wanted to leave. those boys are like family now. utterly amazing in every way. and i miss Hannah more and more. thankfully she and Jay are coming to Wisconsin in a few weeks. phew.
i don't know why i'm writing on here. no one reads this blog and i've never really shown it to anyone. for some reason i feel like i'm talking to you and i miss talking to you so much. when i was in Ireland, i felt like you were all around me, which makes a lot of sense but it always put this... gloom into my thoughts. a tainted feeling almost. why? why am i still bothered by this? i've been faced with much more difficult things in my life but this is just stuck in my head. bouncing around from the darkest corners of my mind, filling me with doubt and regret and driving my sanity out the window.
i don't want to burden people around me by talking to them about this so i'll send this message out into the lonely void that is cyberspace.......
now what?
Monday, January 26, 2009
1st day of classes...
woke up
slept bad
went to work out
ate lunch
went to class
came home
doing laundry, vaccuuming, dishes
watching Sex and the City
feeling pathetic...
slept bad
went to work out
ate lunch
went to class
came home
doing laundry, vaccuuming, dishes
watching Sex and the City
feeling pathetic...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
i have been eating poetry...
"My life closed twice before its close --
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me
So huge, so hopeless to conceive
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell."
- Emily Dickinson
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me
So huge, so hopeless to conceive
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell."
- Emily Dickinson
Monday, January 12, 2009
Kiss me arse ... Kiss mine in English!
post #2....
its only been a day since my last post on here but i'm home alone right now and its late and i'm lonely so this is how i'm going to gain sanity.
hrmm..... today was interesting and had some fun moments as well. I woke up around noon (yes, i'm lazy) and popped in a movie while i got ready for the day. ended up watching "Edward Scissorhands" and then "300" - both excellent! thank you hannah for the dvds!
after getting clean i drove over to my dad's shop and we went to dinner where we proceded to have a "serious discussion" about my trip to ireland. he is definitely worried about me traveling abroad. he kept telling me all these things about how people go out of the country and they never think anything bad is going to happen to them and then they get killed or disappear ... thanks for the creepy stories dad! ... i know he's just worried about me. i'm kinda scared to fly as it is so i don't really wanna hear about how freaked out he is about me doing it! jeesh!
after dinner i called up hannah and she said she was finishing packing up some stuff - she's leaving tomorrow - and that i could come by in about an hour. we had made plans to go see "Twilight" together ... again! (this was my 4th time seeing it - don't judge me! ;) ) so i went to hannah's, she gave me some old cds she doesn't need - PS I Love You soundtrack and a few others! good stuff :) then we went to the movie theater.
we had a good laugh when we got there only to discover that the theater was empty except for the two of us! we took some pictures haha! normally seeing a movie isn't any particularly special event for either of us but after the GIANT mountain dew we shared, the hyperness kicked in and i started getting really nutso and had a few giggle fits... for example, while eating popcorn:
Me: "we need more butter on this bitch..."
Hannah: "that's what she said!"
haha!!! i think we laughed for about 2 min straight. unfortunately a few more people showed up to see the movie and i started to feel bad that they had to listen to us giggle so i attempted to contain myself. it worked for a while! haha.
it's snowing like crazy here right now and we're supposed to reach record low temperatures this week :( damn wisconsin weather! the news said we were going to get about 2-3 inches but the way its coming down it seems like it could be more like 5 or 6 inches. ew.
tomorrow i am having lunch with han and then dropping her at the airport :( then i have to work - double frick! it's going to be a crappy day i think....
OH speaking of crappy, i got a text message today from the crazy ex-friend who doesn't seem to understand that i don't want to be her friend anymore. i think i might have to change my cell phone # if she doesn't knock it off... ugh! what a hassle!
ok enough ranting... 'til another day!
"i just want to see you when you're all alone... i'll love you til the end!" :) good song!
its only been a day since my last post on here but i'm home alone right now and its late and i'm lonely so this is how i'm going to gain sanity.
hrmm..... today was interesting and had some fun moments as well. I woke up around noon (yes, i'm lazy) and popped in a movie while i got ready for the day. ended up watching "Edward Scissorhands" and then "300" - both excellent! thank you hannah for the dvds!
after getting clean i drove over to my dad's shop and we went to dinner where we proceded to have a "serious discussion" about my trip to ireland. he is definitely worried about me traveling abroad. he kept telling me all these things about how people go out of the country and they never think anything bad is going to happen to them and then they get killed or disappear ... thanks for the creepy stories dad! ... i know he's just worried about me. i'm kinda scared to fly as it is so i don't really wanna hear about how freaked out he is about me doing it! jeesh!
after dinner i called up hannah and she said she was finishing packing up some stuff - she's leaving tomorrow - and that i could come by in about an hour. we had made plans to go see "Twilight" together ... again! (this was my 4th time seeing it - don't judge me! ;) ) so i went to hannah's, she gave me some old cds she doesn't need - PS I Love You soundtrack and a few others! good stuff :) then we went to the movie theater.
we had a good laugh when we got there only to discover that the theater was empty except for the two of us! we took some pictures haha! normally seeing a movie isn't any particularly special event for either of us but after the GIANT mountain dew we shared, the hyperness kicked in and i started getting really nutso and had a few giggle fits... for example, while eating popcorn:
Me: "we need more butter on this bitch..."
Hannah: "that's what she said!"
haha!!! i think we laughed for about 2 min straight. unfortunately a few more people showed up to see the movie and i started to feel bad that they had to listen to us giggle so i attempted to contain myself. it worked for a while! haha.
it's snowing like crazy here right now and we're supposed to reach record low temperatures this week :( damn wisconsin weather! the news said we were going to get about 2-3 inches but the way its coming down it seems like it could be more like 5 or 6 inches. ew.
tomorrow i am having lunch with han and then dropping her at the airport :( then i have to work - double frick! it's going to be a crappy day i think....
OH speaking of crappy, i got a text message today from the crazy ex-friend who doesn't seem to understand that i don't want to be her friend anymore. i think i might have to change my cell phone # if she doesn't knock it off... ugh! what a hassle!
ok enough ranting... 'til another day!
"i just want to see you when you're all alone... i'll love you til the end!" :) good song!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
to blog or not to blog?
soooo first blog.... i used to blog on the xanga site way back in those high school days. i stole this idea from my new irish friend who uses this site. it seems like its been a while since i wrote down my thoughts in some kind of organized pattern. this should be an interesting experiment :)
what's been going on? spring semester is about to start. i have a little over a week to enjoy being free of homework and lectures. but more currently - hannah, my best friend and hetero life mate/twin is leaving for ireland yet again on tuesday. she asked me to drive her to the airport which kinda makes me nervous. it's easier for me to not cry when she leaves if i'm not the one watching her board the plane :-P i'm going to miss her like crazy yet again... but that leads into my next bit of interesting news...
i'm going to ireland in march!!!! over my spring break/paddy's day/hannah's birthday/MY birthday and i CANNOT WAIT! my ticket is actually fairly cheap and i just have to get the passport stuff all squared away, but its almost basically totally 100% a go go go! it's going to be awesome. i feel like i know hannah's friends there pretty well already just from hearing her talk about them. i've also seen a lot of her pictures of the countryside there and the beautiful landscape. it looks so amazing! ahhh! excited :)
even more currently than that tid bit of news is what i am doing right now - watching "Juno" with nicole. i've heard its a good movie, no personal consensus as of yet. we just got done watching "Across the Universe" which was a pretty trippy movie. very good music though! who doesn't love the beatles? i think i'm going to buy the soundtrack next time i get paid...
what else about life? not much... i've been basically spending most of winter break off school with hannah while she is home. dan (the roomie) went back to minnesota to start his "real world life". he's still paying the rent but basically i have the apartment to myself for the next... hrm... 7 months or so. good thing or bad thing? not really sure. being alone isn't really pleasing to me but sometimes its nice to be able to walk around in my underwear and not have to worry about dan stumbling upon me brushing my teeth sans pants haha!
well that's all for now i suppose... sweet dreams blog world.
what's been going on? spring semester is about to start. i have a little over a week to enjoy being free of homework and lectures. but more currently - hannah, my best friend and hetero life mate/twin is leaving for ireland yet again on tuesday. she asked me to drive her to the airport which kinda makes me nervous. it's easier for me to not cry when she leaves if i'm not the one watching her board the plane :-P i'm going to miss her like crazy yet again... but that leads into my next bit of interesting news...
i'm going to ireland in march!!!! over my spring break/paddy's day/hannah's birthday/MY birthday and i CANNOT WAIT! my ticket is actually fairly cheap and i just have to get the passport stuff all squared away, but its almost basically totally 100% a go go go! it's going to be awesome. i feel like i know hannah's friends there pretty well already just from hearing her talk about them. i've also seen a lot of her pictures of the countryside there and the beautiful landscape. it looks so amazing! ahhh! excited :)
even more currently than that tid bit of news is what i am doing right now - watching "Juno" with nicole. i've heard its a good movie, no personal consensus as of yet. we just got done watching "Across the Universe" which was a pretty trippy movie. very good music though! who doesn't love the beatles? i think i'm going to buy the soundtrack next time i get paid...
what else about life? not much... i've been basically spending most of winter break off school with hannah while she is home. dan (the roomie) went back to minnesota to start his "real world life". he's still paying the rent but basically i have the apartment to myself for the next... hrm... 7 months or so. good thing or bad thing? not really sure. being alone isn't really pleasing to me but sometimes its nice to be able to walk around in my underwear and not have to worry about dan stumbling upon me brushing my teeth sans pants haha!
well that's all for now i suppose... sweet dreams blog world.
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