*cough*cough*cough*

Staying home today .... again. Thank god for Netflix and Sudafed.

Illness.

Last week I missed my cousin, Travis and his wife, Stacey and their child, Kailey so I decided to accept the invitation they extended to have a lovely cookout of burgers at their house. I went over knowing that K wasn't feeling very good - she had some sort of cold bug - but I was convinced I would be able to avoid her enough to not get ill. Boy, was I wrong. On Sunday my voice was scratchy and today, I am in full on sniffle-can't-breath-headache mode. I love K but right now I cannot recall why. Is that so horrible?

On a happier note, THE IRISH ARE COMING TOMORROW! I cannot wait to see them. I've been blogging and babbling about this for weeks and now, finally, after months of waiting - they are going to be in Green Bay, my hometown, where I grew up. It will be so fun to show them around, I'll even bring them to Lambeau and not groan in pain.

The heat wave is still going strong. Today Jamie and I went to the driving range and the breeze helped but it was still very hot. I missed the back of my neck with the sunscreen lotion and now have a hideous red semi-circle in the shape of my tank top neck line. Awesome. And tonight I am sleeping in the living room in attempts to stay cooler - I'm a tad closer to the air conditioner in here. It's kind of like having a slumber party on my futon. (At least that's what I tell myself to make it feel more fun.)

Sweetest dreams, dear pets.

Heat Wave.

I'm not kidding - it has been a Heat Wave of epic proporations in the greater Fox River area the last two days. Ranging anywhere from 84 - 90 degrees and humid as hell. It doesn't help that my car lacks a working A/C and my window unit, no matter how high I have it blasting, does not cool my room down at all. It's in the kitchen which leaves a good 20 feet or more plus it has to navigate a curve. So basically just the kitchen and part of the living room are bareable. I might be sleeping on the futon tonight... We'll see.

I'm recently obsessed with playing Mario Kart on Jamie's Wii. It's so fun! Some of the more difficult levels are real lip-biters but it's a fun way to spend the afternoon, especially when going outside is a sure fire way to melt immediately. My favorite player: Toad. He's so cute and small!

Today I bought my John Hughes' Inspired Notebook. It is really cute with some pretty flower design on the front and a tiny bee. It has an elastic band to keep it closed and is just the right size to carry around in my monster of a purse. I'm excited to start jotting down random thoughts during the day; now if only I could remember to stick the darn thing in my bag when I leave the house. I also bought a book that my favorite author, Sarah Dessen, spoke about on her blog. It's called "Mrs. Darcy and the Blue-Eyed Stranger": A collection of short stories by a writer named Lee Smith. I started reading some of it and she has an interesting writing style. Mostly description and telling - not so much dialogue so far. I'm only a few pages in though so we'll see how I like it. Hopefully I will since I'm sick of re-reading all my same old books laying around here. They are wonderful books but I can only read the same story so many times. I digress. The first story in Mrs. Darcy is about a woman going through a divorce. Semi-interesting. Again, we shall see. (The magic words of today.)

Tomorrow I hope to go to the driving range again. It proved to be fun last week and a good workout on my arms so I hope its not too terribly humid to go. So sick of sweating!

Good night, world.

Inspiration & Hughes

I read an article in Vanity Fair about John Hughes - the esteemed director and writer of many of the 80's movies I've been obsessed with since puberty (i.e. The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, etc.) It was all about his life and how he got to where he was with his career. He died recently at a young age of a heart attack. It was completely unexpected and his family was quite shocked as was the world of John Hughes' lovers. In this article, the journalist spoke to Hughes' sons who informed him that amongst their father's possessions were 300 notebooks filled with every memoir, observation, short story, joke, conversation, and idea he had in recent years. As I was reading about this, I though to myself, 'Wow, here is a guy who influenced my life in so many ways through his movies and he was actually an avid creative writer.' I felt so inspired. The man carried around a notebook wherever he went. To the drugstore, on an airplane, to the movies - everywhere. He was always writing down thoughts like his life depended on it.

One day I want my life to depend on my writing. One day I want my children to go through my things after I'm gone and find scribbled poetry, random story ideas, beautiful memories, interesting ideas - everything that fills my mind every day.

Let it begin...

Sunburnt shoulders and cheeseburgers

Thoughts of today:

1. I cheated on my diet today thus making me feel bad. I won't get into too much detail but there was a cheeseburger involved. I went for a walk with Stac and K though so that helped. I am still hoping to get some sit-ups in yet tonight and will do more tomorrow.

2. I'm getting more and more excited for "Sex and the City 2" - it comes out next week! I'm watching the couple seasons I have on DVD to pump myself up for it. Thank god for Netflix also! I'm hopefully getting season 4 this weekend! Yay!

3. Hannah and Jay fly in next Wednesday - less than week! I can't wait to see them and the guys. I've missed them all since January. Ireland is far too far away for my taste. Not only can I not walk there, but I cannot afford to fly either.

4. Jamie and I went to the driving range this morning. Not only did we wake up and get there before 10 am, but I did pretty good! He was impressed. I've been once before. Last summer I went with a friend and I was OK then too. After my 2nd hit, Jamie exclaimed, "Are you sure you aren't hustling me?" I guess that is good, right? We're definitely going to go again. I like that he and I actually DO things - things we enjoy together.

5. My legs feel sticky from Victoria's Secret self-tanner.

That's all I got for today. Oh, and I had a blast playing Mario Kart on Jamie's Wii today. Who knew boys had so much fun doing boy things?!

Sex, the city, & salad

So, what's been going on? Not a whole lot. I am a bit in shock and awe of the fact that I caught some VH1 show about celebs who dropped a bunch of weight. At one point (after 8 kids), Marie Osmond weighed 165 - and this is a crime? I weigh 155 on some days ... and I have no kids. This made me feel so down on myself that I came home and ate a salad and grapes for lunch then contemplated puking - JK! Well, about the puking part. The salad however did actually happen.

Now I'm watching "Sex and the City" dvds and getting all psyched for the 2nd movie which comes out soon! I cannot wait! I am also looking forward to "Letters to Juliet," because I'm a big dork. I haven't been to a good chick flick in far too long. I'm so glad Becky and Laurie and Hannah are all home within the same time frame - GIRL TIME!!! On that note, it seems like the summer is shaping up to be very busy. I have Han's wedding, Jamie's friend's wedding, my aunt is getting married, and Amanda is getting married in August. Then I also am working on my exercise routine, and I just started actual work on my Me Scrapebook. I have lots of great paper and stickers but I need lots more yet. I also need to make copies of the baby pictures, colorguard, high school, dance pictures, so that I don't ruin the originals chopping them up and gluing them all over the place. Ahhhh! I'll be so happy when it's done and I do enjoy doing it, but sometimes I wonder why I start these projects. To drive myself crazy - surely!

I wish I could get as inspired with my writing as I have been with my silly scrapebook project. I got an AB in my writing workshop - which is awesome and makes me happy. I think I actually am inspired by so many things around me, but I just get so overwhelmed by the idea of sitting and writing a whole novel or novella or whatever, that I don't even try. Maybe it's about time I conquered my fear. My favorite author, Sarah Dessen, wrote on her website that in order to stay completely enveloped in your writing, you need to try to write a little each day. I should really work that routine into my life along with my fun workout routines - ha! Fun workout = oxymoron.

Until another brainfart....

Little Miss Obsessive

Song of the moment: Paramore "I caught myself"

So Friday was my last final for the semester. Just one more. Please god just one more semester. I've been feeling this weird mixture of happiness and bummed-out-ness when it comes to graduation. All of my nearest and dearest just graduated yesterday and I still have one more semester. Even though I'm thrilled to pieces for them, and SO HAPPY for their success and completion of this thing called College - I can't help but feel envious and slightly sad. I wanted to share the experience with them.... Oh well. No use crying over unearned credits.

With summer starting, I have lots of work to look forward to. Also, Hannah and Jay's wedding is just around the corner which basically kicks off the summer. I cannot wait! Tomorrow I am driving to A-town to get some shoes to go with my b-maid dress. After their wedding, I have 3 more to attend this year! When did everyone decide to grow up? When did that happen and can we go back now please? Thanks.

Another new installment: I am Officially beginning my workout for the summer tomorrow. I drew up a little weekly calendar and everything. The goal: -15 lbs by the time the fall semester begins. It's going to be kind of tough to do in 3 months but I am incredibly determined ... I just hope I stay determined all summer! I tend to see the results of a pound or two lost, then go "Oh, great it's working!" and allow myself indulgences that I shouldn't! Bad girl, bad! I cannot do that. At least I have Jamie in my corner to help out. He is interested in toning up too so we can help drive each other to the goal.

Other than that stuff, I am incredibly tired from early working today. I am basically going to crash very soon and then get up, do 30 sit ups and arm exercises, drink coffee, and get ready for Appleton. Wish me luck in the shoe hunt, blogger world.

Why?

I don't want to feel this way anymore. How can I make it stop?

Contemplations of the past vs future Me

Sometimes I really hate my ex-boyfriends. Regardless of how we ended the relationship: easy, difficult, horrible, gut-wrenching, unemotional - something about that relationship has utterly screwed me up in some way. I can feel it. I think I first remember thinking how messed up I am emotionally when I decided I might love Jamie. I was on an airplane flying over the ocean, about to land and the plane began to jerk up and down, like God himself had grabbed at the craft between his thumb and forefinger, only to sneeze right as his grip tightened. We were flung from side to side, up and down, forwards and backwards, until the girl seated one seat forward and to one to the left started tossing her dinner into a tiny air sickness bag. I cried. I held my friend's hand and I cried. I cried for all the things I never got to say. (I was very dramatic in this moment. I don't like flying.) I thought about Jamie. I pictured his face in my mind repeatedly. I couldn't believe that I'd never see him smile again. I'd never run my fingers through his hair again. I'd never have his fingers brush my sides unexpectedly throwing me into a fit of giggles. What would I do if this was the end? As we began to descend, the plane shot back into the storm clouds with an anouncement of "Sorry folks, due to unexpected (insert scary words here), we will be unable to land and will re-route to Dublin." Hey, although the groans from the other passengers filled the air, a rush of fear surged through my stomach. Another round through the raining storm clouds? Really? God - could you please stop sneezing? I'm just trying to make it out of this plane alive.

Long story short, everything turned out fine. We re-routed to Dublin, waited out the bad part of the rain, then went back to our actual destination - landing safely 2 hours after our scheduled arrival time. During those last few moments before our final landing - I leaned over to my friend and whispered, "If we somehow crash, and you survive but I don't - tell Jamie I might love him."
For some reason, I felt more safe telling my friend that I might love my boyfriend, than actually admitting that I could tell him myself. I realized then - I was scared. I was scared to love someone again. Or at least admit to loving someone again. After 2 years of painful break ups, running around with endless numbers of boys, thinking I could survive the rest of my life as Nik the Single, it hit me that maybe, just maybe I didn't want to live my life like that.

Eventually I did tell him. After we got back to the states from our trip to Ireland, I told him I loved him and he said it back. It was like this huge release for me. But now where does it go? I still feel that worry in my gut whenever I say it to him - fearing that he might suddenly NOT want to say it back to me. The further along we get in our relationship, the more worried I become. Tomorrow is our 8-month anniversary. That doesn't sound like a lot in the grand scheme of things, but my last relationship that lasted more than 8 months ended in a firey trainwreck of stabbing pain and sobs. Will this end one up the same way? Should I start mentally noting the times that I stop to stare at him and wonder if he's thinking 'How much longer til I can get rid of this girl?' Am I just scared because I am getting older and somehow the longer a relationship goes when you're older, the more significiant it is SUPPOSED to be? So, instead of answering all of these things, I'll pretend like I don't feel them. I'll ignore those gut instincts to be mushy and lovey with him, I won't text him "Tomorrow marks our 8th month, Dimples." Because texting him would be admitting that I need him. And needing him is something I don't know if I am ready to commit to just yet.

"So dear I love him that with him, All deaths I could endure. Without him, live no life." - Shakespeare

I'm Miss Brightside

Sometimes when I am feeling particularly low - for no apparent reason - I try to think of three good things I have going for me.

1. Hannah and Jay's wedding is rapidly approaching and I cannot wait. It's going to be so fun! The Irish are making their way over seas and we have a jam-packed weekend of events.

2. Buffy on Instant Watch. I'm going to be incredibly upset when they remove this from Netflix Instant....

3. I finished that nagging paper I have been putting off since two weeks ago. It probably will get a bad grade but at least I submitted something.

Bleh. That didn't really help.

Bookshelves.

I've decided, in a very Me way, that I want more books and more bookshelves to put them on. I want floor to cieling bookshelves, stacked high with all the literature, poetry collections, classics, picture books, etc that you can think of.

I just finished "The Bell Jar" and I have to say, after starting off kind of slow and wandering, I decided towards the end that I really liked that book. It was destined to happen as I think Sylvia Plath was a literary genius and could've been destined to greatness - but then again if she hadn't lost herself in the tangles of love and poetry and ended it that fateful morning, we never would've gotten "The Bell Jar." She would've been like every other normal, straight-laced sane person in this world and not Sylvia. But I digress. It was a lovely novel and well-written. The end really surprised me in some ways. The main character starts in one place - New York seemingly being normal or trying to be, then she moves into craziness where everyone is out to get her and its all too hard to bare, but I felt shockingly akin to what she was saying, as if it all really made sense to feel that way, then after a suicide attempt she goes to the asylums and gets treatments. It's all very well done. I almost felt as though I was trying to be normal, then slowly going nuts, then coming back from Crazyland with Ester. Wherever you are Miss Plath - well done!

On to other news. Today - tonight - this evening - I become a real poet. After a month of knowing I won the Rising Phoenix Award for Poetry on campus, I finally get to see it in the journal at the launch party tonight, and I'm reading it in the coffeehouse. My family is going to be there which makes me more nervous than just rambling it out in front of random strangers, but that's a-OK. It's such a high knowing that anyone who picks up the Sheepshead Review Journal is going to see my name, face, and poem in a place of honor and grace. They will see that someone somewhere out there was touched by what I WROTE. Something that came from MY MIND and MY PAIN was able to reach off the page and grab the throat of another human being and say, "I'm here. Feel me." It's all incredibly overwhelming and amazing. I can't wait!

On that note, I have to get ready for the day. It's already 10:34 and I've done nothing but surf Tumblr and Facebook since 9:30. Woops!

A favorite quote from "The Bell Jar":

"How did I know that someday--at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere--the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?"

Oh Sylvia. <3

Shake Weight....?

Just saw a commercial for something called a Shake Weight which requires making a very inappropriate motion with a wobbley dumbell. Interesting...

Anywho - So it's Sunday night and I am exhausted. Point took a lot out of me. We stood in the sun for almost 8 hours with cocktails, which explains the sunburn on my chest area and arm. Yes, just one arm. The bottom part of my right arm is burnt but the left arm completely missed it. How does that happen? I don't know, but I gotta tell ya, it looks ridiculous.

I am so tired I don't think I'm going to make it to the end of this post. I think it's time to sleeeeeep. Good night blog world.